New start, day two

So, this is me. Happy enough with a cocktail in front of me but secretly dying inside because of my weight. Here - in Greece last summer for my sister's wedding - I weighed 26 stone 9lb, nine pounds less than my heaviest weight of 27 stone 4lb. Greece was lovely but hard work being so fat. Walking up the hill and steps from the beach (in Lindos, Rhodes) was tricky, even at 6pm when the heat had abated a bit. My thighs rubbed together and I sweated like the proverbial oinker. I'd started to lose weight and lost a bit more on my return but then some went back on.

Which is where I am today. A new start. Well, day two of a new start. I forgot to blog yesterday as I was so busy entering things in my food diary on Weight Loss Resources where I'll be tracking my calories and progress until, ideally, I get down to a decent weight. I've put myself down as very sedentary since I sit on my arse most of the day and am allowed 1608 calories a day plus any I earn from exercise ( a good incentive if ever there was one). I'm going to put my curret weight in the statistics, not my heaviest, as this is my new start point. The beginning of the end of being fat. Or so I hope.

LTL Mk2 - kinda like a Cortina

Now this is unexpected. A blog from Ye Olde Fatgirl, who disappeared into the ether two years ago and hasn't been heard from since. Until now. I'm back and this time I'm going to do it. Honest. Well, that's my plan. I've put on a lot of weight in my hiatus, during which my depression reared its hideously ugly head again and knocked me for six (six bloody hundred, more like!) so I'm going to do a whole new set of statistics when I start this for good on Monday morning.

But this is just to check in and say hello. To myself. Hey, I'm the only person who's going to do this so I may as well cheer myself on. Give me an L - A - R - D - Go Lard!!

Curing the hiccup(s)

I knew it would happen. My colossal mountains of food and oceans of drink have been rewarded with a 3.5lb weight gain and I'm feeling chastened and ready to climb back on the Weight Watchers wagon. Tomorrow. Because, as we all know, it's a) wrong to start a sentence with "because" and b) any food and drink you consume the evening after your weigh-in does not count. It's the unwritten rule of WW, the sort of thing they should put in the introductory handouts. You get weighed, you eat something a little naughty, then you start again the following morning. Everyone I have ever met who follow WW follows this rule. It's like broken biscuits. They have no points or calories. And nibbles of food you eat standing at the fridge. None of it counts.

I'm finding it hard to leave calories behind and switch my allegiance wholeheartedly to points. Particularly when it comes to seeds. A tsp of seeds (pumpkin, sunflower or linseed) has about 20 calories (from memory. 20-ish, anyway) yet costs me half a point, the same as an apple which has about 75 calories. This seems illogical to my calorie-led brain. I know it all balances out at the end of the day but my morning smoothie is looking a bit sick now I have to count 1.5 points for my three different teaspoons of seeds. But, then again, I can have 100g of raspberries for half a point whereas I only used to allow myself 75g when I was calorie counting. Swings, meet roundabouts.

But I need the meetings. I need the discipline of the weekly weigh-in and someone asking me if I knew why I'd gained weight or congratulating me for losing it. We have a new leader who's about 23 and quite nervous but very sweet. And she's lost 125lb, which is fairly bloody impressive and it kind of gives me the confidence I've been lacking that I can do this. I can lose the 150+ pounds still hanging around my physique like a bad smell. It may take me longer than I thought but it will happen. I was foolish to think I could lose a set 2lb a week for two years and boom, that would be that. It worked out that I was losing around 2lb a week but nothing accounted for the giant two-month blip that led to me putting a stone back on. I was also foolish to plan my weight loss in my diary and attempt to reach ever-increasing targets. Of course, I'd slip behind then eat pizza to beat myself up for not being perfect.

I had pizza yesterday. And chicken strippers. And potato wedges. And 1.25 litres of fat coke. The misery took over and I binged. It tasted marvellous but I felt so guilty afterwards that I wish I hadn't done it. But I can't say it won't happen again. I'm slowly learning that this weight-loss business isn't always about setting and meeting targets. It's not about points and calories and pounds and inches. It's about what goes on in your head as well as what goes in your mouth. If your head isn't in the right place, it doesn't matter how hard you try. Something will come and bite you in the rear. Something called life. I want to lose 2lb a week every week. I want to hit my targets. But I know that I won't always do that. And I think I'm starting to accept it. That, mes amis, is progress.

And so you're back, from outer space...

Oh dear, it has been a while. I expect I've lost any readers I once had and this little blog is just for my eyes only again. But never mind, serves me right for being useless. No, that's too self-critical. I've been ill and not in the mood for charting my weight loss or, indeed, losing any weight at all. In fact, I've been chalking up the pounds and had gained almost a stone from my last weigh-in. But I've seized my girth with both hands and had a bit of a shake-up. I've left WLR with some regret and guilt and all the lovely people who helped me there because I lost the motivation to do this on my own. Instead, I've joined Weight Watchers for the umpteenth time as I feel I need the group aspect and the weekly weigh-in to keep me on track.

Except it doesn't always work like that, does it? I had a dreadful first week but somehow lost 5lb despite pizza, wine and all sorts of rubbish. Did the loss spur me on for the second week? Hmm, a little. I was a bit better but weighed in to find I'd stayed the same. Which sent me into a spiral of self-doubt and self-loathing and bingeing of epic proportion on both food and booze. I had put on so much weight that I didn't go to the meeting last Thursday and then spent the weekend at a Eurovision party where I drank so much cava, sangria and beer that I passed out on the floor at midnight, unable to get into bed. The monumental hangover on Sunday was somewhat assuaged by a Nando's feast, then some lovely apricot tart and white chocolate-covered strawberries and then two burgers for lunch yesterday and a huge steak with garlic butter, chips and more apricot tart. After which I had indigestion so bad it felt as though I was having a heart attack.

So I've started afresh. With a detox, too. I bought some herbal detox tablets and tincture and I've started a diet that cuts out all the bad things I'm not supposed to eat. Now, I did the blood test three years ago and my intolerances have probably changed but I'm basically intolerant to cow's milk, yeast, egg white, coffee, cola nut, sesame, oats, almonds, nutmeg and black pepper. Phew, that's quite a list!! But I've consumed none of them today and feel quite proud of myself.

I was almost tempted by the demon Domino's but had a shower and made a cup of cleansing nettle, fennel and ginger tea and had two satsumas and the urge to binge has passed. I know it's just because it's the first day of a "diet" and I'm not allowed to have it that makes me want it. No, maybe it's also the fact that I'm a greedy pizza monster! And I'm feeling a little low as Jim is in London for the next two days doing research so I'm on my own in the house on sick leave, feeling guilty about being off work and going to the fridge every five minutes. But I had gluten-free organic muesli for breakfast with goats' milk, lentil soup and grilled chicken salad for lunch, a snack of dairy-free guacamole and organic blue corn tortilla chips, lots of fruit and chicken fajitas for dinner, with sheep's yoghurt instead of sour cream.

Ooh, I've joined a gym, too but haven't been for over a week. I shall try and go tomorrow. If there's anyone out there, wish me luck.

A Question of Scale(s)

Hello. Sorry for the long absence but I've not been in the mood for blogging recently for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I tried to reduce one of my medications and it all backfired and left me weeping every day which isn't exactly conducive to cheery communication. Secondly, I've been lied to. By my scales. I tried using my nice Tanita body fat scales that I was too heavy for when I started and they said I was over a stone heavier than my Weight Watchers ones. Surely some mistake? So I weighed myself at Boots and they agreed with the Tanita. So I weighed myself at the doctor and they said the same. I haven't lost five stone at all. I'm a fraud and a failure. I had only lost just over four stone.

So I went on a food and drink bender and have only just clawed my back back on the wagon. Pizza, ice cream, cookies, burgers, chips, beer, wine - all were fair game and I stuffed them down my throat in misery and disbelief that i could have kidded myself that I'd lost that much weight. So I've put some weight on and am now behind my schedule of losing 2lb a week. I feel thoroughly miserable but have decided that I can't let myself get back to the fat me of seven months ago. And I've stlll lost almost four stone and know that if I keep going, the rest will come off too. In time. If I'm really committed, I might even be able to catch up the 4.8lb I'm behind and get back to my schedule of losing the weight by next summer.

So I'm back. I'm sorry to anyone who has checked my blog in vain over the last three weeks and thankful that there are people out there who care. I've had my 0% Greek yoghurt, muesli and compote (Yeo Valley strawberry and rhubarb - fab!) and three pints of water and have no immediate plans to hijack the Sainsbury's cookie stand. I have a 284 calorie ready meal for lunch which I will supplement with a sugar-free jelly and an apple and then plenty of calories left for dinner, which I will decide on when I hit Waitrose this evening. I might even go for a walk and earn even more calories (I walked into town and back yesterday and earned 400 calories so I could have yet more yoghurt, muesli and compote for my supper last night)

I'm determined not to let my weight beat me into submission and am trying to keep positive and recognise that I've already lost a reasonable amount of weight. I'm not going to be the fat sister in Jo's wedding photos next August. Even if I don't make it to a size 16, I should at least get down to an 18 and be able to buy nice clothes. Not that you can't get some good stuff in my size. My parents bought me a new cardigan in a size 22 at the weekend (I got the blue one) and I don't look too hideous in it. I still don't believe my jeans are a size 24 though. But at least they're not the size 30 I started with.

And I finally start work on Monday! I've bought a Cath Kidston bag to take my lunch in and have had my fringe trimmed so I no longer resemble Highland cattle. I can't afford a cut and colour yet but I've booked one for the Saturday after I get paid. I might even buy myself some new glasses when I have my eye test tomorrow as I've had my current ones for 7 years and they're scratched to death. I've seen some black ones with sparkly bits as recommended by Gok Wan from How To Look Good Naked and they look quite cool and would give me a break from wearing my lenses every day. So this is my last week of freedom before I become a working woman again. Yippee!

Just a quickie

Thought I ought to post as it's the Official Weigh-In Day of Doom. Managed to lose 3.5lb which isn't bad but nowhere near as much as I'd lost on Friday morning. But only 1.75lb to lose to hit five stone gone so keeping my fingers crossed for next week. Might be a bit of a struggle as the in-laws are here for three days and taking us out to dinner on Wednesday so much food and wine is in the offing. But did a walk today and haven't eaten the calories so they're in the bank. Unless I eat them later as I'm famished. Right, best go and help Jim do my job application - bless him! Cross everything - if I get this job I might be able to afford to join a gym.

Like a tart's knickers

Sorry to our more sensitive readers for the crude analogy but my weight is up and down like panties with loose elastic at the moment. I get really chuffed that I've dropped a couple of pounds but then, hey presto, there they are the next day winking at me. We're back! Did you miss us? Grrr! On Friday, I'd even dropped below the magical 5 stone barrier but, oh no, that wasn't going to last and four and a half pounds were stacked on this morning. But they might b*gger off again by tomorrow as I had booze last night which always gives me a temporary gain. Or permanent in the case of last week's Stella binge. I might have to change my official weigh-in day from a Sunday as it means Saturday night drinks are a no-no. Not that I go out and down 12 alcopops and flash my knickers in the city centre while vomiting up a kebab (often, anyway!) but sometimes we have guests and go out for dinner. I might even have a dinner party soon - there's posh!

Unfortunately for me, that means keeping up with the Joneses and the last dinner party I went to had four courses - bacon, avocado and parmesan salad, shepherd's pie, apple and pear crumble and cheese - and copious quantities of wine to wash it down. So that's what I have to match. I'm thinking of buffalo mozzarella, avocado and tomato salad followed by lasagne and salad then chocolate brownies with raspberries and ice cream and then cheese. Or should it be cheese before pudding, as the French do? Then you can finish your red wine with it. But I don't often have any wine left and I'll probably get a bottle of port for the cheese course. If I'm feeling flash, I might bake a loaf of raisin and rosemary bread to have alongside the biscuits. And, of course, the lasagne and brownies will be homemade - Jamie Oliver for the lasagne and Nigella for the brownies, with Green and Black's chocolate, mmmm!

So I'll be saving my calories for that week to accommodate the extra grub and vino. We might have to have it on the Friday night as one of the guests sings at the cathedral on Sunday mornings so can't do late Saturday nights. And I might, just might, be working by then. The swines at the Ministry of Doom have now decided that I can't start work until April and the new tax year. April!! I'll be eating rubbish from people's bins by then, such is our cash drought. There's nothing I can do about it but I'm going to apply for another job in the meantime that pays more money and hope I get it. And I have to go for a medical next Friday due to my health issues. And take my medication with me. Why? Can't I just tell them what I'm on? It's not Show and Tell. And the Nazis at the Job Centre are trying to make me find a temp job for the next three weeks. Which I really ought to do, to be honest as we need the money, but I hate temping. But I might give some agencies a call on Monday morning and pimp myself.

They'd better not expect me to wear a suit as I don't possess one and never intend to. Black trousers (M&S size 22 elasticated waist) and a shirt or wrap dress will have to do. Not the dress I tried on last week (see last post) as I managed not only to not fit into it but to actually break it due to my girth! It has a ribbon that ties inside to another ribbon and they snapped as I was trying to pull them too tightly. So it'll be another stone or two before that dress is resurrected. But I might have to donate some clothes to the local charity emporium as some of my size 28 tops/short dresses are hanging off me. I thought they'd be okay for a little longer but I look like Demis Roussos which isn't exactly foxy. And when I sit down, they sag forwards and flash my bra. Not nice.

I'm not sure whether or not to update my dress size on here as my jeans are a size 24 and I could definitely fit into size 24 tops. But I think the jeans are lying to me and are really more like a 26 so I'm loathe to paint myself as smaller than I am in case the over confidence comes back to bite me. I tried on some size 26 jeans in Evans and they only just fitted so I'm not sure whether my jeans (Amelie May from the defunct Etam) are generous or the Evans ones are skimpy. I think I'll leave it for now. Right, Liverpool v Newcastle is the featured match on Sky Sports so I'm going to pour myself a generous glass of... water and watch the game. Will be back tomorrow for the weekly weigh-in. Let's hope it's the equivalent of knickers round the ankles!