A Question of Scale(s)

Hello. Sorry for the long absence but I've not been in the mood for blogging recently for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I tried to reduce one of my medications and it all backfired and left me weeping every day which isn't exactly conducive to cheery communication. Secondly, I've been lied to. By my scales. I tried using my nice Tanita body fat scales that I was too heavy for when I started and they said I was over a stone heavier than my Weight Watchers ones. Surely some mistake? So I weighed myself at Boots and they agreed with the Tanita. So I weighed myself at the doctor and they said the same. I haven't lost five stone at all. I'm a fraud and a failure. I had only lost just over four stone.

So I went on a food and drink bender and have only just clawed my back back on the wagon. Pizza, ice cream, cookies, burgers, chips, beer, wine - all were fair game and I stuffed them down my throat in misery and disbelief that i could have kidded myself that I'd lost that much weight. So I've put some weight on and am now behind my schedule of losing 2lb a week. I feel thoroughly miserable but have decided that I can't let myself get back to the fat me of seven months ago. And I've stlll lost almost four stone and know that if I keep going, the rest will come off too. In time. If I'm really committed, I might even be able to catch up the 4.8lb I'm behind and get back to my schedule of losing the weight by next summer.

So I'm back. I'm sorry to anyone who has checked my blog in vain over the last three weeks and thankful that there are people out there who care. I've had my 0% Greek yoghurt, muesli and compote (Yeo Valley strawberry and rhubarb - fab!) and three pints of water and have no immediate plans to hijack the Sainsbury's cookie stand. I have a 284 calorie ready meal for lunch which I will supplement with a sugar-free jelly and an apple and then plenty of calories left for dinner, which I will decide on when I hit Waitrose this evening. I might even go for a walk and earn even more calories (I walked into town and back yesterday and earned 400 calories so I could have yet more yoghurt, muesli and compote for my supper last night)

I'm determined not to let my weight beat me into submission and am trying to keep positive and recognise that I've already lost a reasonable amount of weight. I'm not going to be the fat sister in Jo's wedding photos next August. Even if I don't make it to a size 16, I should at least get down to an 18 and be able to buy nice clothes. Not that you can't get some good stuff in my size. My parents bought me a new cardigan in a size 22 at the weekend (I got the blue one) and I don't look too hideous in it. I still don't believe my jeans are a size 24 though. But at least they're not the size 30 I started with.

And I finally start work on Monday! I've bought a Cath Kidston bag to take my lunch in and have had my fringe trimmed so I no longer resemble Highland cattle. I can't afford a cut and colour yet but I've booked one for the Saturday after I get paid. I might even buy myself some new glasses when I have my eye test tomorrow as I've had my current ones for 7 years and they're scratched to death. I've seen some black ones with sparkly bits as recommended by Gok Wan from How To Look Good Naked and they look quite cool and would give me a break from wearing my lenses every day. So this is my last week of freedom before I become a working woman again. Yippee!

Just a quickie

Thought I ought to post as it's the Official Weigh-In Day of Doom. Managed to lose 3.5lb which isn't bad but nowhere near as much as I'd lost on Friday morning. But only 1.75lb to lose to hit five stone gone so keeping my fingers crossed for next week. Might be a bit of a struggle as the in-laws are here for three days and taking us out to dinner on Wednesday so much food and wine is in the offing. But did a walk today and haven't eaten the calories so they're in the bank. Unless I eat them later as I'm famished. Right, best go and help Jim do my job application - bless him! Cross everything - if I get this job I might be able to afford to join a gym.

Like a tart's knickers

Sorry to our more sensitive readers for the crude analogy but my weight is up and down like panties with loose elastic at the moment. I get really chuffed that I've dropped a couple of pounds but then, hey presto, there they are the next day winking at me. We're back! Did you miss us? Grrr! On Friday, I'd even dropped below the magical 5 stone barrier but, oh no, that wasn't going to last and four and a half pounds were stacked on this morning. But they might b*gger off again by tomorrow as I had booze last night which always gives me a temporary gain. Or permanent in the case of last week's Stella binge. I might have to change my official weigh-in day from a Sunday as it means Saturday night drinks are a no-no. Not that I go out and down 12 alcopops and flash my knickers in the city centre while vomiting up a kebab (often, anyway!) but sometimes we have guests and go out for dinner. I might even have a dinner party soon - there's posh!

Unfortunately for me, that means keeping up with the Joneses and the last dinner party I went to had four courses - bacon, avocado and parmesan salad, shepherd's pie, apple and pear crumble and cheese - and copious quantities of wine to wash it down. So that's what I have to match. I'm thinking of buffalo mozzarella, avocado and tomato salad followed by lasagne and salad then chocolate brownies with raspberries and ice cream and then cheese. Or should it be cheese before pudding, as the French do? Then you can finish your red wine with it. But I don't often have any wine left and I'll probably get a bottle of port for the cheese course. If I'm feeling flash, I might bake a loaf of raisin and rosemary bread to have alongside the biscuits. And, of course, the lasagne and brownies will be homemade - Jamie Oliver for the lasagne and Nigella for the brownies, with Green and Black's chocolate, mmmm!

So I'll be saving my calories for that week to accommodate the extra grub and vino. We might have to have it on the Friday night as one of the guests sings at the cathedral on Sunday mornings so can't do late Saturday nights. And I might, just might, be working by then. The swines at the Ministry of Doom have now decided that I can't start work until April and the new tax year. April!! I'll be eating rubbish from people's bins by then, such is our cash drought. There's nothing I can do about it but I'm going to apply for another job in the meantime that pays more money and hope I get it. And I have to go for a medical next Friday due to my health issues. And take my medication with me. Why? Can't I just tell them what I'm on? It's not Show and Tell. And the Nazis at the Job Centre are trying to make me find a temp job for the next three weeks. Which I really ought to do, to be honest as we need the money, but I hate temping. But I might give some agencies a call on Monday morning and pimp myself.

They'd better not expect me to wear a suit as I don't possess one and never intend to. Black trousers (M&S size 22 elasticated waist) and a shirt or wrap dress will have to do. Not the dress I tried on last week (see last post) as I managed not only to not fit into it but to actually break it due to my girth! It has a ribbon that ties inside to another ribbon and they snapped as I was trying to pull them too tightly. So it'll be another stone or two before that dress is resurrected. But I might have to donate some clothes to the local charity emporium as some of my size 28 tops/short dresses are hanging off me. I thought they'd be okay for a little longer but I look like Demis Roussos which isn't exactly foxy. And when I sit down, they sag forwards and flash my bra. Not nice.

I'm not sure whether or not to update my dress size on here as my jeans are a size 24 and I could definitely fit into size 24 tops. But I think the jeans are lying to me and are really more like a 26 so I'm loathe to paint myself as smaller than I am in case the over confidence comes back to bite me. I tried on some size 26 jeans in Evans and they only just fitted so I'm not sure whether my jeans (Amelie May from the defunct Etam) are generous or the Evans ones are skimpy. I think I'll leave it for now. Right, Liverpool v Newcastle is the featured match on Sky Sports so I'm going to pour myself a generous glass of... water and watch the game. Will be back tomorrow for the weekly weigh-in. Let's hope it's the equivalent of knickers round the ankles!

Tired and emotional

Enter the ICHC online Poker Cats Contest!I've been meaning to post for days but haven't been in the best of moods so thought I'd spare you the pity party. I've not cheered up that much today, to be honest, but thought I ought to post or I'd give up the blog completely and I don't want to do that as it's a useful tool for me to express my thoughts about my weight loss. Or lack of loss, as this week would have it. I had a bad week, to put it mildly, and have put on 4.75lb - grrr! I did have pizza twice, two lots of fish and chips, ice cream, wine and - on one night - nine (count 'em) pints of Stella followed by a kebab AND butter and pate on toast!!!! Serves me right, I know. That magic five stone mark is looking even more elusive. And I'm still craving pizza today.

Part of the reason is my knackeredness through not sleeping very well and having a constant headache because of that. I'm trying to cut down one of my medications as it's linked to diabetes but it's wrecking my sleep. This makes me tired and grumpy and not in the mood for walking and eating healthily so I pig out on rubbish and promise that tomorrow will be another day. I got back on the straight and narrow yesterday but today is proving a struggle. Domino's is calling my name very loudly and I'm about to cave in. I suppose if I do that I can claw the calories back through exercise during the rest of the week but I feel so weak and helpless at the moment.

The uncertainty about my job doesn't help. I received a phone call last week asking me when I'd like to start, even though the pre-employment checks aren't complete, so I said today. They then phoned back saying they might like me to start next Monday (10th) but would confirm on Friday. They didn't. Then I received a Criminal Records Bureau form to fill out and the accompanying letter said that the checks can take up to 25 working days and that I wouldn't be "offered employment" until they had a satisfactory result. Does this mean I won't be starting next week? I tried to call and find out several times but nobody is answering the phone, leaving me very frustrated and worried. And wanting to eat.

And today's my six-month anniversary of starting my diet so I want to be good. There are positives. I'm ahead of schedule and have dropped two (or three, if you believe my jeans - I don't) dress sizes. My BMI has dropped by almost 9 points and I'm within shouting distance of just being obese, rather than morbidly so. I've lost inches and over four and a half stone. But it was almost five stone last week so I can't help but feel disappointed, which is daft. I can fit into clothes that wouldn't go near me six months ago and I bought a cardigan coat from Monsoon in a size 20 rather than a size 22 - both fitted and the 20 was a touch snug but I figure that I'm going to carry on losing weight so it will prove a better buy in the long run. I might go and try on a dress I haven't been able to wear for over two years and see if it will fasten. If it does, I'll be good and have an apple. if not, I might give in and order pizza. I almost hope it doesn't, greedy cow that I am!

Hungry like the wolf

I'm starving. I've eaten two reasonable meals today (50g Special K and skimmed milk for brekkie and tomato soup and a roll for lunch) but I could eat a horse. A whole stable full in fact. I'm sure I had horse meat on a school holiday to France when I was 11 and, as far as I remember, it wasn't that bad. A bit like pork. Not as bony as goat - mmm, Jamaican curry goat - and distinctly edible. But then again, anything seems good to me when I'm this famished. I need to go out for a walk to earn some exercise calories so I can have a snack or two but it's spitting so I'm being a wuss and waiting for it to stop.

Actually, I could probably have a snack even without the exercise but I'm becoming a bit of a control freak and almost enjoying the self-discipline it takes to lose weight. I try to wait until I'm falling over with hunger before I let myself eat something - it's quite worrying. But if I eat before I'm really hungry, I'll be hungry again sooner and run out of calories. I'm very rarely full these days although I managed it on Friday night after steak, chips and spinach and two lagers. Made a nice change from the constant emptiness that occupies the space food used to. I swear that when I feel bloated and my tummy's sticking out (even more than normal that is!) it's because of the air inside me, puffing me out like a balloon.

But it's worth it as I've lost 7.5lb this week. If my scales are telling me the truth that is. They said Jim had lost 3lb this week so they might be having a mental. But I've worked hard enough to deserve a good loss. I've done more walking and been Mrs Strict of Strictville when it comes to my food. No cheating at all for the first time in ages. No secret oatmeal and raisin cookies that don't make it into my food diary. No extra 25g of grapes or piece of toast and pate. Everything I've eaten and drank has been dutifully recorded and I came in a couple of hundred calories under for the week. But they were exercise calories and you can get away with only eating half your exercise calories if you've got a lot of weight to lose. Or so the WLR sages have it. I'm trying to eat slightly less than the full 100% to prepare me for losing yet more calories and having to eat them all further down the line. If that makes any sense - not sure it does!

I might be losing weight through not eating if my wisdom tooth keep bothering me. It's bleeding and oozing pus (sorry, TMI!) so I've booked my first dentist appointment for four years on Tuesday. I used to go every six months until we couldn't find an NHS dentist and I refused to go private, especially as my teeth were okay. But I've found an NHS dentist at the end of the road so I was planning to go for a check up anyway; now it's just a bit more urgent. I hope I don't have to have it out but, if I do, I hope they can fit me in before I start work. Not that I know when that will be as they're still checking me out. I hope it's soon as we're getting broke again and I'm bored out of my tiny mind. Bored and hungry is not a good combination when you've a) got a fridge full of food and b) have a number of delis and a Sainsbury's within a few minutes' walk, all filled with bread and cake and ice cream. And that's not counting the temptation of the dreaded Domino's.

I think I need a banana.

30% is the new black

As part of my weight loss "journey" (pretentious, moi?) I've made a list of mini targets to break up the 199lb into smaller goals and today I crossed off another one. I lost 4.75lb this week so I'm over 30% of the way to target - another 4.5lb and I'll be a third of the way there. If I can lose that by the 3rd March, I'll have done it in six months which is ahead of target. I know the remaining two-thirds won't come off as quickly as this so it's good that I'm ahead of myself in case the weight loss slows. I really hope I can get to halfway there by 13th August, which will give me a full year until my sister's wedding to lose the second half. But I'm loathe to set myself date-related targets as you're setting yourself up for failure and bodies aren't machines that'll lose weight at a consistent rate as I've found out over the last few weeks.

My calories have dropped to 1596 a day so I'm going to try to do at least a 45-minute walk each day for the extra calories. I know 1596 probably seems like a hell of a lot to those people on 1100 a day - the minimum WLR lets you go down to, but it's 300 less than I started on five and a half months ago. I'm going to try eating just half of my exercise calories as I don't really need the full 235 that a walk will give me and gradually eat a higher percentage as my calorie allowance drops. At least I'll be walking to and from work soon - when they finally do their checks and give me a start date - so that'll be an hour a day, maybe a little more. The way there isn't too bad as it's downhill but coming home will be tough as the first part of the journey is up a street called Christmas Steps which, as it's name suggests is, well, steps! Two sets, in fact, with a steep slope in between. And then another hill follows that so it's hard work for a fat, unfit lass like me. But I'm determined to do it rather than get the bus home as it'll be good for me. Remind me of that when I have a heart attack halfway up!

I'm trying to think of good portable diet-friendly lunches to take to work. I hope there's a microwave so I can do soup and maybe the odd jacket potato. I'm not a big fan of sandwiches, unless they're made on the spot so I might try some variations on pasta and couscous salads. Bill Granger has a recipe for a puy lentil salad with feta in one of his books so I might give that a go and add some lean chicken for protein. I think I'll be doing a lot of things with roast vegetables.

Worker bee

That's what I'll be in a few weeks' time. I didn't get the TV job - they liked me, blah, blah but felt that me being older than the assistant producer would be problematic, the ageist buggers! But I got the office job so I'll be an Administrative Officer for the Ministry of Justice shortly, providing my "pre-employment checks" go through okay. I assume my references will be decent enough and I'm not a serial killer but I do have a chequered health background and have had to leave a job because of my depression. But that was over two years ago and I'm a lot better now so it should be alright. I had to fill in a medical form so they might check with my doctor but I go to an open practice and rarely see the same doctor so they won't know me from Adam.

But, touch wood, they should formally offer me the job soon and I hope I can start by the beginning of March. It'll be so good to be out of the house and speaking to people again. And the money, while not great, is better than Jobseeker's Allowance and we might be able to have a life instead of watching every penny. Although I did go out and treat myself to a grande skinny vanilla latte this afternoon as a treat and have gone 9 calories over my daily allowance (after dinner thankfully, not before!). I've been really quite disciplined this week but have been getting very hungry and have suffered from headaches for the last couple of days. I think it's the shock of sticking to calories after a week of going 500 over every day. But it kick started my weight loss again so I'm glad I did it... and I got to eat like a piggy for seven days!

I hope my new workplace has a microwave so I can take in soup and the occasional ready meal. But if it doesn't, I'm only five minutes walk from M&S so can buy sandwiches if needs and finances permit. And I'll be earning nearly a couple of hundred calories a day from walking to work. Even more if I can brave the hill and walk home. I might have to if I want to have the occasional glass of wine or pudding. I really wanted to have the winter puddings (like summer puddings but with apple and plums as well as the blackberries and blackcurrants) I bought from Waitrose this evening but have run out of calories so will have to have them tomorrow as a little Valentines treat. I have to walk into town to sign on (hopefully for the last time depending on when I start) so I should be calorie-rich. Unless Jim gets some sparkling wine or something.

It's 13 years since we got engaged tomorrow so 14th February does mean something and isn't just commercialism to me. And yes, I was practically a child fiancee! When I phoned my mum to tell her we'd got engaged, she asked me if I was pregnant!!!! I think that tells you everything you need to know about my mother. I do miss being 18; I was thin then. University was the start of the slippery slope to fatness - too many portions of chips, giant sandwiches and pints of cider and huge portions of pasta with cheese and bacon as a regular meal. Or my favourite lunch of two toasted bagels filed with red pesto, salami and melted Cheddar cheese. Mmm, could just eat that now. I've just come back from Sainsbury's where I managed to resist the oatmeal and raisin cookies and wensleydale that were calling my name. Instead I bought some Berocca vitamins and two sugar-free jellies. How times have changed.