Knickers

I'm quite chuffed today. I was getting dressed (at 12:30, oh the joys of being unemployed!) and thought I'd try on a pair of Evans knickers in size 26/28 which didn't fit me a few weeks ago. And, drum roll please, they fit!! They're still on the snug side but I'm wearing them with pride. It's bizarre how I need a size 26/28 in Evans but can fit into M&S size 22 knickers and elasticated waist trousers. I know that my true size is a 28 (unless I fit into a pair of size 26 jeans when I go shopping) but I still kid myself that I'm not that big. I did almost die when I had to buy size 30 jeans a little while ago but it really brought my weight home to me.

I went to Gourmet Burger Kitchen last night and stuffed my fat face with a greek lamb burger, chips and garlic mayo. With a couple of glasses of red wine. And then went to The Woods for another glass of wine but were surrounded by students with no respect for other people's space so went to Goldbrick House which was lovely, if slightly expensive and had a cocktail. Which made me go over my calories for the day by 188, which isn't that bad considering.

I'm going slightly spare from not having a job and keep thinking about food even though I'm not hungry. It's amazing how boredom can lead to errant snacking. Being off sick for over a year must have made me put on so much more weight than if I'd been working. Plus I was given mirtazapine (on top of my other happy pills) which caused me to gain 3 stone in 3 months - error!! I still can't believe I used to stagger to the cake shop and buy three cakes as an afternoon snack. Or order a pizza for lunch or eat an entire tub of ice cream. I know I'm a long way from being a healthy weight but even these 33lb have made me feel so much better. And this time I know I'm not going to give up.

I want to be thin. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to walk a decent distance at a decent pace without my back killing me and my legs aching. I want to be able to walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath at the top. I want to shop in normal shops, not just Evans (although some of their stuff isn't bad) and I'd love to be able to wear clothes from Boden, Jigsaw, Hobbs and Phase Eight. I want to be able to buy sexy underwear in a size 16. I'll probably shrink back down to a 38C bra when all the weight comes off as that's what I was when I was thin. My 44DDs are getting a bit loose and I'm fastening them on the last set of hooks so I might be able to get some 42DDs soon and then wear the vast stash of 40DDs in my underwear drawer. And the thought of having size 16 knickers keeps me going. I'm on the way.