It's raining, man!!

It's peeing down here in Bristol. I know that's hardly news since it's the first week in January but I'm a bit peeved. Today was my big "I'm going to start exercising" day and my planned walk has been scuppered by the weather. For the moment anyway. It does look as though it's clearing up a bit so I might go out in a little while once my Amazon order has arrived. I'm awaiting Dietgirl's fab new book which I've already read in proof form (and it's ace!) but wanted to get in real form so I can see all the additional photos and any new bits. And hopefully Shauna might be on some kind of percentage scheme so it might give her 2p or something. I've no idea how publishing works but I've always wanted to write a book. Of course it would help if I could actually write! I did start a novel while my depression was in full flow but we were burgled and my laptop was stolen and it wasn't backed up anywhere. I think, in hindsight, it was a blessing.

I'm having a full-on career crisis at the moment due to my lack of work and prospects. Do I really want to stay in TV? Will I ever get a job in the industry again even if I want one? I'm fed up of last-minute short-term contracts and never knowing where the rent money is coming from. I love the work and think I'm quite good at it but it's not the most ubiquitous or stable industry and there aren't that many jobs to go round unless you live in London. The BBC here is making people redundant left, right and centre so they aren't recruiting and nobody else seems to be either. Mind you, it's not the only area where there's a dearth of opportunities. I was thinking of moving into academic administration but there's not much going at the university at the moment and it looks as though I might have to get any old office monkey job to pay the bills. It's not something I want to do long term but, then again, what is? Should I retrain as a teacher? It's a good, steady, honest job and you get great holidays. But history teachers aren't exactly in short supply and it would mean living on a pittance for a year. And there's no guarantee that we'll even be in Brizzle in September as Jim's job is only for a year. I might just get any job and think seriously about my "career" when Jim gets a permanent position and I know we'll be living in the same area for more than 12 months.

Ooh, that was a bit soul searchy and serious, wasn't it? I think I'm having a mid-life crisis at 31. But I have made progress in one area today. I didn't weigh myself!!! I stepped away from the scales and feel some kind of calm because of it. Plus, I miss the surprise/terror element of not having a clue if I'd lost any weight until my official weigh-in day. Sunday mornings became less of an occasion when I weighed every day but now they'll retake their rightful importance and I'll get up with a slight butterfly feeling in my tummy like I used to. Although that could just be hunger. I was really hankering after a fry up yesterday - bacon, sausage, fried egg, black pudding, tomatoes, toast, the full monty - followed by a couple of croissants with raspberry jam. Well over 1000 calories of pure bliss. But I didn't succumb to the fry up monsters. I had my porridge and patted myself on the back for being a good girl. In the past I would have sent Jim to the supermarket - being too lazy to go myself - and stuffed my face until I felt sick. We regularly used to have a couple of bacon and fried egg sandwiches for weekend breakfast followed by a couple of cinnamon danishes - each!

But, while part of me misses such gloriously fattening and unhealthy food, I'm never going to go back to eating like that. I can't if I want to live. I was watching The Diet Doctors yesterday and they had a woman on who was 21 stone and they described her as "a heart attack waiting to happen". And that's me. However better I feel for having lost 3 and a bit stones, I'm still morbidly obese and can't congratulate myself too much or feel smug just yet. I've got a long way to go until my health isn't in jeopardy from my weight and, while I believe I can get there, I know the journey won't always be as smooth as the last four months. I'm not saying it's been easy but the weight has continued to come off and I'm worried that this won't always be the case. I hope it will, as I'm going to stick to my calories and start to exercise, but I doubt I'll be losing at this rate in a year or so. I'd love to hit my target in time for my sister's wedding in July 2009 and, if I continue to lose 2lb a week, I will. But I can't help thinking that it won't work out like that. And here today's novel ends!