Knickers

I'm quite chuffed today. I was getting dressed (at 12:30, oh the joys of being unemployed!) and thought I'd try on a pair of Evans knickers in size 26/28 which didn't fit me a few weeks ago. And, drum roll please, they fit!! They're still on the snug side but I'm wearing them with pride. It's bizarre how I need a size 26/28 in Evans but can fit into M&S size 22 knickers and elasticated waist trousers. I know that my true size is a 28 (unless I fit into a pair of size 26 jeans when I go shopping) but I still kid myself that I'm not that big. I did almost die when I had to buy size 30 jeans a little while ago but it really brought my weight home to me.

I went to Gourmet Burger Kitchen last night and stuffed my fat face with a greek lamb burger, chips and garlic mayo. With a couple of glasses of red wine. And then went to The Woods for another glass of wine but were surrounded by students with no respect for other people's space so went to Goldbrick House which was lovely, if slightly expensive and had a cocktail. Which made me go over my calories for the day by 188, which isn't that bad considering.

I'm going slightly spare from not having a job and keep thinking about food even though I'm not hungry. It's amazing how boredom can lead to errant snacking. Being off sick for over a year must have made me put on so much more weight than if I'd been working. Plus I was given mirtazapine (on top of my other happy pills) which caused me to gain 3 stone in 3 months - error!! I still can't believe I used to stagger to the cake shop and buy three cakes as an afternoon snack. Or order a pizza for lunch or eat an entire tub of ice cream. I know I'm a long way from being a healthy weight but even these 33lb have made me feel so much better. And this time I know I'm not going to give up.

I want to be thin. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to walk a decent distance at a decent pace without my back killing me and my legs aching. I want to be able to walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath at the top. I want to shop in normal shops, not just Evans (although some of their stuff isn't bad) and I'd love to be able to wear clothes from Boden, Jigsaw, Hobbs and Phase Eight. I want to be able to buy sexy underwear in a size 16. I'll probably shrink back down to a 38C bra when all the weight comes off as that's what I was when I was thin. My 44DDs are getting a bit loose and I'm fastening them on the last set of hooks so I might be able to get some 42DDs soon and then wear the vast stash of 40DDs in my underwear drawer. And the thought of having size 16 knickers keeps me going. I'm on the way.

Attack of the Incredible Shrinking Woman!

Its been several hours and I'm still in shock. I have - quite unbelievably - lost 7.75lb this week! That's the 2.25lb I put on after Devon and an extra 5.5lb just for fun. And I've been slightly over my calories (with a couple of "dark" muffins and bags of crisps not even entered in my food diary) but then I was incredibly active on Thursday and Friday as we were filming and I was rushing around here, there and everywhere. So I've hit the 2 stone lost mark and surpassed it by an incredible 5lb, making 33lb lost in 12 weeks and time for a progress photo.

So there you go. I can't tell much difference (probably due to my baggy jeans and top) but Jim says you can definitely tell in my face and my tummy. I certainly feel thinner and my jeans are literally falling off me. I will end up accidentally mooning someone the way I'm going. Methinks a new pair are in order from Mum and Dad as part of my Christmas present. I'll probably have to get a size 28 but if I can squeeze into a 26 I will as I'm only going to keep losing weight and I'll be broke from buying new clothes. I'll carry on wearing my tops and dresses as long as I can, even though they're already slightly large (well, the size 28 ones are) as there's not as much chance of buttock flashing there. Even my bras are a bit loose. I measured myself and I've now lost 3 inches off my chest, 4 inches off my waist and a meagre 2 inches off my child-bearing hips (hippo-bearing, more like!)

And my calories have dropped to 1733 (I think) which means having slightly smaller portions of things like oven chips and rice so I can keep on having plenty of fruit and veg, although I have decreased my grapes from 150g to 125g and bought smaller satsumas. I might have to start doing some exrecise. Mind you, I've got the time now I'm unemployed again. Although I'm so tired and achey from the filming that I might only manage a walk round the block before my back and legs scream for mercy. At least it will save me from the horrors of daytime TV. I may even blog a couple more times a week with my random musings. I have got to do some Christmas shopping this week which means a trip to Cribbs Causeway aka the ninth circle of hell. But my parents have told me to buy myself something from them so I can indulge in a bit of retail therapy. I'll just have to try and resist the lure of Nando's.

Black dog

I'm fed up. So fed up that I haven't been to work for the past two days. I have had a nasty headache both mornings but not the migraine I told my boss. Well, that Jim told my boss as I was too stressed to call in sick. I really wish my depression would just bugger off and leave me alone but it's just there, following me around like Winston Churchill's black dog, crapping on my life. I've been depressed for over seven years, on and off, and very much on for the last two years. I know that I'm a lot better than I was and I don't want to kill myself any more (which is always a bonus) but I never feel fully better.

I have my good days and my bad days and I suppose I've just had a couple of miserable days which haven't been helped by not sleeping and having the sniffles and cystitis. And I'm so scared about not having a job from the end of this week that I'm beside myself with worry. I've only been back at work for seven weeks after being off sick for over a year and I can't face the tedium of sitting in the house all day watching pap on the telly. I know that I could get a temp job but I also know I'd hate it and get even more depressed and I don't want that to happen. But we need the money and there are no TV jobs in sight so I may not have much choice.

And all this doesn't help my diet. I've put on so much weight from comfort eating and hating myself. Okay, I put on four or five stone from eating the wrong things and drinking too much at university but I was 'only' about 17 or 18 stones before the depression kicked in, not the 27 stones I ended up not too long ago. Depression makes you so down, so apathetic and so self-hating that you don't give a monkey's what you put in your mouth as long as you stop hurting for a little while. One of the worst times was when I first moved to Manchester and lived away from Jim for 18 months. I was sad and lonely despite a job I loved and my best friend was the Iranian man in the kebab shop. I'd call in on the way back from work and get a chicken kebab and garlic bread then go to the off licence for a bottle of wine to drink in bed on my own. And the McDonalds, chippy and KFC nearby didn't help. Or the Blockbuster, from where I'd get a family-size bag of popcorn to go with my film, plus a bag of sweets and a tub of ice cream.

And the last couple of years have been a nightmare weight-wise. I was too depressed to cook and didn't want the healthy meals Jim would vainly attempt to cook for me, opting for Domino's pizza (large Full House, chicken strippers, dips and sticky dippers pudding) or a tandoori mixed grill or spare ribs, chicken satay and special fried rice or, my old stand by, fish and chips. Which I really feel like tonight. But he's just come home with steak, oven chips and broccoli, bless him so I'm safe from the temptations of the chippy. For now anyway.

Never go on holiday

Well, not if you want to lose weight, that is. I've just got back from five days in Devon and have put on 2.25lb with not a cream tea in sight. Mind you, there was the beef wellington, the canapes, the blackcurrant mousse cake, the roquefort, the wensleydale, the pizza, the chips, the chocolate, the red wine, white wine and champagne. Lots and lots of champagne. I've apparently had over 50 units of alcohol in the last 7 days!! Oh dear!! Bu the holiday was fun, if very cold!

Never mind, I'm sure it will all come off again this week. If I can lose 2.75lb, I'll have lost 2 stones in total which would make me really happy. I want to lose 35lb by Christmas... so I can put it all back on again!! No, I will try and be good and leave off the booze a bit more than this week. You just get carried away when you're with other people, don't you? We've brought two bottles of champagne back with us but I don't intend to open it until New Year's Eve. We might have one bottle when my mum and dad come and visit in three weeks but I doubt I'll have any alcohol in the intervening time. It just makes me feel too rough and uses up my calories which I'd prefer to spend on yummy food. Like the bars of Green and Black's in the kitchen cupboard...!

So close

Five's always been my lucky number, mainly becasue it's the date of my birthday and now it's starting to make sense. I've lost another 5lb this week, taking me to 27.5lb or half a pound off two stones, which is almost 1/7 of the weight I have to lose. Even my dad's impressed and that takes some doing. He's trying to lose weight himself, mainly by going for a nine-mile walk every day but he's rather haphazard with his eating and doesn't weigh or measure anything. I looked up his calorie requirement on WLR and told him how many he should be eating and he said he'd start looking at packets. He's been allowing about 350 calories for breakfast, which is around 70g of muesli and milk but he weighed it the other day and it was 4oz, or over 100g so over a hundred calories more. And I doubt he's reduced the portion size. He's making a curry for dinner from his Indian recipe book and I bet it has tons of oil in it. I'm tempted to buy him some electronic scales and a calorie book but he wouldn't use them.

Mind you, he hasn't got that much weight to lose. He's about 14st 6lb and wants to be 13st 7lb so less than a stone. I'm sure he could do it in no time if he really put his mind to it but he'll be doing it half-heartedly for months. I guess it gives him something to think about now he's retired! I could spend almost all my time focused on my eating if I didn't have anything better to do; in fact I did when I wasn't working. Well, that and QVC. At least I've got two and a half days more work this week before going away. And I'm hoping they're going to need me for at least a week when I get back. If I could have a job until the end of November I wouldn't be too stressed. Then I could have three weeks off before Christmas and look for something for the New Year. Three weeks to do my shopping - easy!

I'm already thinking about eating at Christmas and if I can possibly manage to lose weight or stay the same over the festive period. We're off to Jim's sister's in Abergavenny and I think we're having organic goose for Christmas Day, which will be heavenly. I just have to avoid eating all the skin from the carcass when no-one's looking! And only have a small portion of christmas pudding and no cheese. And ration out my Christmas choccy for the next six months rather than eating it all in two days and feeling bloated and sick. And not drinking too much. It's only staying off the booze that helps me to lose weight. I barely drink alcohol these days as I'd rather spend the calories on food. I'll have some in Devon but try not to get blotto. And it would be a crime not to have some white wine when we go to Fishworks on Tuesday.

I'll have to remember to take a pad and pen with me to Devon so I can write down what I'm eating and drinking so I can enter it in my food diary when I get home on Sunday. I won't stress too much if I go over a little bit as it is my only holiday this year but I think it might have been an error to buy some Green and Black's chocolate bars to take with us for after dinner nibbles. But there will be more than 10 of us to share it. i wonder if there's anywhere near the cottage to have a cream tea? It would be a shame to go to Devon and not have one. But it would be about 500 calories. Hmmm. I think if I lose half a pound this week I'll be more than happy. And that two stone will be mine, all mine. Mwahahaha!!

Teeny tiny

I'm so glad my new scales measure in quarters of a pound as I've lost the princely sum of a 0.25lb this week. And I'm actually quite relieved. After two weeks of 5lb losses I expected to stay the same or even put on weight but thankfully I've lost a tiny bit which, considering the week I've had, is quite remarkable. The puddings finally got me. It was the last week I'll be getting free food at work as this week we aren't in studio and my contract is up on Friday (aaargh!!) so I decided to make the most of it and overindulged rather a lot. I had chocolate brownie with raspberries, trifle, chocolate tart and two helpings of tarte tatin, squeezed together in the same bowl and hidden by a swathe of cream to disguise the fact that I was being a pig. So it wouldn't have surprised me if I'd put on a pound or two, especially as I've also had fish and chips twice this week. But I didn't and now I have to be really good and aim to lose my regulation 2lb next week, before we go to Devon.

I suppose it's my chance to be really strict and hopefully lose a decent amount of weight before the holiday. Plus, Jim's mum and dad are coming to stay pre-Devon and we'll be having fish and chips one night and going out for dinner the next. Then five days at a windswept farmhouse near Dartmouth with far too much opportunity for troughing and no food diary to fill in. If I can escape with maintaining I'll be overjoyed. I'll have to be strict and abstain from too much booze as it's far too easy to have six or seven drinks when you're in company and that would be hundreds of calories, if not thousands (if I had beer rather than wine or gin). Plus, the food isn't really within my control and that's always a minefield. I might take my blender so I can stil have smoothies for breakfast or I might just have fruity porridge or spelt muesli. That might be easier. As long as I don't start having bacon and eggs every day. With buttered toast. And sausages. Mmmmmm!! Bad girl, naughty girl!

I'm going to be quite stressed as well as my job comes to an end on Friday and I haven't got anything lined up so I'll be poor and unemployed and in the house all day. I just have to stay away from the fridge and not go to Sainsbury's for bread and cakes to pass the time and ease the stress and boredom. I might have to get a Christmas job to pay the rent but I don't fancy working weekends as I won't get to see Jim. Plus, my parents are coming down on 7th December to bring all the Christmas pressies so I have to be around then. I'll see. I'm hoping Endemol will keep me on for another couple of weeks at least (obviously while letting me go to Devon for a few days) which will ease the financial strain and give me more time to get a job. Why are there no TV jobs in Bristol at the moment?! I don't want to go on Jobseekers Allowance as the people at the Job Centre always make you feel like a total loser. Grrr, why does life have to be so awkward?

And my achilles tendons are giving me gyp again so I can't walk very well. I need to get them better so I can go for walks when I'm out of work to keep me occupied and burn some more calories. It would be an ideal time to join the gym but, with having no work, I can't afford it. Catch 22 - if I have the time I don't have the money and if I have the money I don't have the time. Why can't there be a special gym and pool for fat people where you can exercise free of charge? It could be funded by the NHS to combat the rising costs of obesity. Of course, I'd want it to be fairly luxurious and not council-y at all. It would need nice changing rooms and hairdryers and stuff and lots of machines and a sauna and jacuzzi. And plenty of aqua aerobics classes at reasonable hours. And it would have to be situated at the end of my street so I would have no excuse not to use it. Mind you, the gym in Newcastle was at the end of the street and I still didn't go. I'm such a lazy tart. On which note, I'm going for a lie down and a cup of tea. It is Sunday after all.