Curing the hiccup(s)

I knew it would happen. My colossal mountains of food and oceans of drink have been rewarded with a 3.5lb weight gain and I'm feeling chastened and ready to climb back on the Weight Watchers wagon. Tomorrow. Because, as we all know, it's a) wrong to start a sentence with "because" and b) any food and drink you consume the evening after your weigh-in does not count. It's the unwritten rule of WW, the sort of thing they should put in the introductory handouts. You get weighed, you eat something a little naughty, then you start again the following morning. Everyone I have ever met who follow WW follows this rule. It's like broken biscuits. They have no points or calories. And nibbles of food you eat standing at the fridge. None of it counts.

I'm finding it hard to leave calories behind and switch my allegiance wholeheartedly to points. Particularly when it comes to seeds. A tsp of seeds (pumpkin, sunflower or linseed) has about 20 calories (from memory. 20-ish, anyway) yet costs me half a point, the same as an apple which has about 75 calories. This seems illogical to my calorie-led brain. I know it all balances out at the end of the day but my morning smoothie is looking a bit sick now I have to count 1.5 points for my three different teaspoons of seeds. But, then again, I can have 100g of raspberries for half a point whereas I only used to allow myself 75g when I was calorie counting. Swings, meet roundabouts.

But I need the meetings. I need the discipline of the weekly weigh-in and someone asking me if I knew why I'd gained weight or congratulating me for losing it. We have a new leader who's about 23 and quite nervous but very sweet. And she's lost 125lb, which is fairly bloody impressive and it kind of gives me the confidence I've been lacking that I can do this. I can lose the 150+ pounds still hanging around my physique like a bad smell. It may take me longer than I thought but it will happen. I was foolish to think I could lose a set 2lb a week for two years and boom, that would be that. It worked out that I was losing around 2lb a week but nothing accounted for the giant two-month blip that led to me putting a stone back on. I was also foolish to plan my weight loss in my diary and attempt to reach ever-increasing targets. Of course, I'd slip behind then eat pizza to beat myself up for not being perfect.

I had pizza yesterday. And chicken strippers. And potato wedges. And 1.25 litres of fat coke. The misery took over and I binged. It tasted marvellous but I felt so guilty afterwards that I wish I hadn't done it. But I can't say it won't happen again. I'm slowly learning that this weight-loss business isn't always about setting and meeting targets. It's not about points and calories and pounds and inches. It's about what goes on in your head as well as what goes in your mouth. If your head isn't in the right place, it doesn't matter how hard you try. Something will come and bite you in the rear. Something called life. I want to lose 2lb a week every week. I want to hit my targets. But I know that I won't always do that. And I think I'm starting to accept it. That, mes amis, is progress.

And so you're back, from outer space...

Oh dear, it has been a while. I expect I've lost any readers I once had and this little blog is just for my eyes only again. But never mind, serves me right for being useless. No, that's too self-critical. I've been ill and not in the mood for charting my weight loss or, indeed, losing any weight at all. In fact, I've been chalking up the pounds and had gained almost a stone from my last weigh-in. But I've seized my girth with both hands and had a bit of a shake-up. I've left WLR with some regret and guilt and all the lovely people who helped me there because I lost the motivation to do this on my own. Instead, I've joined Weight Watchers for the umpteenth time as I feel I need the group aspect and the weekly weigh-in to keep me on track.

Except it doesn't always work like that, does it? I had a dreadful first week but somehow lost 5lb despite pizza, wine and all sorts of rubbish. Did the loss spur me on for the second week? Hmm, a little. I was a bit better but weighed in to find I'd stayed the same. Which sent me into a spiral of self-doubt and self-loathing and bingeing of epic proportion on both food and booze. I had put on so much weight that I didn't go to the meeting last Thursday and then spent the weekend at a Eurovision party where I drank so much cava, sangria and beer that I passed out on the floor at midnight, unable to get into bed. The monumental hangover on Sunday was somewhat assuaged by a Nando's feast, then some lovely apricot tart and white chocolate-covered strawberries and then two burgers for lunch yesterday and a huge steak with garlic butter, chips and more apricot tart. After which I had indigestion so bad it felt as though I was having a heart attack.

So I've started afresh. With a detox, too. I bought some herbal detox tablets and tincture and I've started a diet that cuts out all the bad things I'm not supposed to eat. Now, I did the blood test three years ago and my intolerances have probably changed but I'm basically intolerant to cow's milk, yeast, egg white, coffee, cola nut, sesame, oats, almonds, nutmeg and black pepper. Phew, that's quite a list!! But I've consumed none of them today and feel quite proud of myself.

I was almost tempted by the demon Domino's but had a shower and made a cup of cleansing nettle, fennel and ginger tea and had two satsumas and the urge to binge has passed. I know it's just because it's the first day of a "diet" and I'm not allowed to have it that makes me want it. No, maybe it's also the fact that I'm a greedy pizza monster! And I'm feeling a little low as Jim is in London for the next two days doing research so I'm on my own in the house on sick leave, feeling guilty about being off work and going to the fridge every five minutes. But I had gluten-free organic muesli for breakfast with goats' milk, lentil soup and grilled chicken salad for lunch, a snack of dairy-free guacamole and organic blue corn tortilla chips, lots of fruit and chicken fajitas for dinner, with sheep's yoghurt instead of sour cream.

Ooh, I've joined a gym, too but haven't been for over a week. I shall try and go tomorrow. If there's anyone out there, wish me luck.