TV Heaven

Well, I'm back in the land of the living after a lovely Christmas in Wales. And I can watch the telly again!! Sebs doesn't have a TV and I've missed watching the old gogglebox more than you could believe. I'm so looking forward to the repeat of the Doctor Who Christmas special on New Year's Day as I'm a total Doctor Who addict and quietly sobbed at 6:50pm on Christmas Day knowing I couldn't watch it. But sitting in front of the telly does make me want to eat and there are several boxes of chocolates next to the coffee table (well, old trunk that serves as a coffee table) looking at me and pleading to be devoured. I did have a couple last night and two amaretti biscuits but I'll be glad when Jim eats them all and the temptation has gone.

So, I hear you cry, how much weight did you stack on over Christmas? A massive... nothing!! I somehow managed to stay the same, despite going about 2000 calories over on Christmas Day with a fry up and a massive dinner of goose, roast potatoes, cauliflower cheese, bacon and sausage rolls, sprouts, broccoli, roasted carrots and parsnips and gravy followed by a slab of Christmas pudding with brandy butter. Oh, and four glasses of champagne, six glasses of white wine and three glasses of dessert wine!! But I was as restrained as I could be on the other day and I didn't have any chocolates until I got home, bizarrely. And I've only had one mince pie all holidays. I think I deserve a medal!!

I'm very confused about my scales, though. Well, it might not be my scales, it might just be my strange body. I weighed myself on Friday morning and the scales told me I'd lost 12lb over Christmas which was, frankly, impossible. So I weighed myself yesterday and they said I'd put on 2.5lb overnight, making it a 9.5lb loss. Then I weighed myself this morning - official weigh-in day - and the 9.5lb had jumped on overnight and I was back to the weight I was last Saturday. Bizarre doesn't even begin to cover it. Now it could be the scales but they weigh Jim fairly accurately so I think I just have very fluctuating weight. So I'm going to restrict my weighing to Sunday mornings only and have told Jim to physically restrain me if I try to sneakily hop on during the week. I think it will keep me sane just having one weigh-in as I get so excited at a big loss then so disappointed when it goes back on again.

I'd like to say I'm firmly back on the straight and narrow diet-wise but we're off to Cardiff tomorrow to spend New Year with our friend Gwilym and he's a bit of a booze monster. We're taking lager and champagne and a fab pink grapefruit drink to mix with Gwilym's gin plus several boxes of nibbles, even though he's cooking a salmon. Oh and smoked salmon to have with bagels and scrambled eggs to sort out our New Year's Day hangovers. So I think I'll be lucky to lose anything this week. Ooh, I almost forgot!! I was very smug all day yesterday. I got some new size 28 jeans for Christmas and when I tried them on before buying them they barely fit me. I had to breathe in so much to do up the button and shove in my belly to get the zip up so I was a bit wary when I decided to try them on yesterday. But they fit!! Easily!! I know most people would be horrified at the thought of wearing size 28 jeans but it really is a wonderful thing for me. I can't imagine how I'll feel when I get in a 16 again. And I will. Only 154.5lb to go!!

Merry Christmas!

I've had a great weigh-in this morning and lost 7.5lb this week so I'm a happy Christmas elf. I have been weighing myself every day this week and had lost 12lb yesterday (which I thought was too much) but have put 4.5lb on overnight, which is probably due to our "works do" yesterday lunchtime. We went to the Kensington Arms which is a nice foodie pub about 10 minutes walk away. I had intended to just have a main course and one drink but got a bit carried away. I ended up having calves liver with bacon and bubble and squeak followed by cinnamon pavlova with brandy soaked fruits and vanilla cream washed down with two halves of hot spiced cider, a large glass of red wine and a hot chocolate with rum! But it was delicious and a good time was had by all.

Today we're off to Abergavenny for Christmas so I'm not in control of my food until 27th. I'm taking a notebook and pen to record everything I eat so I can fill in my food diary when I get home. I suppose I could use their computer to access WLR but it's a bit unsociable squirrelling off to the office after every meal. We'll see. The notebook served me well in Devon and recorded the mammoth amounts of food and drink consumed. Let's hope I'm a little bit more restrained this time. There will be so much food and drink on offer though, including my fabulous home-made damson gin so I'll have to make sure I alternate booze with a glass of water. I never drink enough water when I'm staying at other people's houses nor do I eat any fruit. And I won't be having my usual smoothie for breakfast which has five portions of fruit in it. Never mind, one week won't lead to scurvy. I don't think.

Right, I'd better have some breakfast and get in the shower then gather up all the presents and load up the car. Have a fantastic Christmas one and all. I'll be back next week with tales of dieting woe.

It'll be an ASBO next

I have a new love. I've finally, after years of yearning, bought myself a hoodie. It's something I've always coveted, especially as my sister had a lovely grey hooded cardigan once, but never got round to buying. Until now. It's beige - or "mink" if you believe Evans - and very soft with strange ponchoesque tasselly bits at the bottom (click on the word "hoodie" above for it's full glory) . Not sure I'd wear the hood outside my own four walls (unless it was really cold) but it's fun to put it on and snuggle up on the sofa. Now, what has this got to do with food and dieting, I hear you cry? Well, not a great deal I must admit but internet shopping does keep me occupied during the day and away from the fridge. Unless I'm internet shopping for chocolate, that is.

Despite the vast amount of food-related websites on my favourites list, I've somehow managed to shy away from ordering edible goodies online, apart from the occasional weekly shop using Ocado. But I've seen some wonderful chocolates on the L'Artisan du Chocolat site and am lusting after pretty much everything they make, particularly the chocolate-covered ginger and the liquid salted caramel truffles. I'm almost tempted to get some and try to ration myself to one a day but, however gorgeous they are, I'm loathe to spend 70 calories on one chocolate when I can have a small bunch of grapes for that. Or three satsumas. How times have changed!

I had a bit of a blip, or so I thought, at lunch today. We were at Jim's sister Beckie's house and she'd made carrot and coriander soup. All fine and dandy so far. But, instead of the bread we were going to have, she'd cooked some cheese and onion potato skins with sour cream and chive dip as they wouldn't fit in her freezer due to an excess of Christmas food. And I had five. And the soup. So I got home and entered it into my food diary on WLR and, oh dear, 699 calories. So I entered the tandoori chicken, rice and spinach we're having for dinner and even the violet cream from my advent calendar and - ta da! - I'm 23 calories under for the day! Hurrah and huzzah! Okay, I can't have any fruit after dinner unless I want to go over but it goes to show that things aren't always as awful as they first seem. I was convinced I'd gone well over the calories I'm allowed (1717 at the moment) and was going to say "Sod it" and have a glass of wine or three but now I'm not. I'm just off to polish my halo...

The festive season

Okay, okay, the hissy fit's well and truly over and I'm back in the land of the living (and blogging). Further to last week's gain of 3lb, I weighed myself the day after and was 4.75lb lighter so it was obviously just the rich food and alcohol in my system causing things to be a little skew whiff. And since then, I've lost a further 3lb so am a happy little munchkin as far as my weight goes. Whether that will continue into the Christmas season is another thing entirely as I'm already craving seasonal goodies with a week still to go until the big day.

I've just walked round Waitrose sulking at not being allowed to have any naughty food and kept picking up boxes of mince pies, mini Christmas puddings, duck spring rolls, brie and cranberry parcels and the like, holding them lovingly to my chest then putting them down with a sob. Although I wouldn't say no to a mince pie or three (or a piece of Christmas pudding) doused in brandy butter, it's the party food that really gets me. Little morsels of pure badness that you can eat in the twinkling of an eye. I did actually buy three packs - an oriental selection, the aforementioned duck spring rolls and some cheese bites - for New Year's Eve, which we're spending in Cardiff with our beloved friend Gwilym. And that won't be nearly enough, so I'm planning on buying some more next week, particularly the tempura king prawns and breaded stuffed jalapeno peppers in Sainsbury's. At about 50 calories a piece, I'm going to blow my calorie allowance sky high but one day won't kill me. Okay, two days - if you count all I'll be troughing on Christmas Day too. Maybe three days, with Boxing Day!!

I ought to be resigned about putting on weight over the holidays but, for some silly reason, I still have it in my head that I can maintain my weight, if not actually lose a pound. Which is just daft. We're off to Jim's sister in Swindon on Wednesday to exchange presents as she's working over Christmas and we'll be having quiche and chips for lunch, which isn't exactly low-cal. The Jim and I are off to the Kensington Arms for our "works do" on Friday lunchtime so I'll be having something delicious, washed down with a half or two of their amazing hot spiced cider. Then we go to Abergavenny on Saturday for Christmas itself - five days of not being in control of the food will be difficult in itself but Sebs (Jim's sister - and it's short for Sarah, not Sebastiana as I first thought!) is a great cook and is planning lunches like baked camembert with crusty bread. And that's before I even think of the roast goose and all the trimmings.

And the booze. I can lay off alcohol when I'm at home but as soon as I'm in company a switch is flicked inside my head which makes me drink like the proverbial poisson. There'll be lots of wine (possibly mulled) and gin and champagne and port and, best of all, my home-made damson gin. We sampled it last night (only a teaspoon, to check the sweetness) and, boy oh boy, was it yummy!! I could polish off the whole bottle in one go. Well, I could if it was in a bottle. At the moment, it's in a kilner jar with the damsons still swimming around so I need to go and buy a bottle and a funnel to decant it before the weekend. The perfect drink to warm you up after a winter walk. At least we should be able to go for a walk most days along the canal to burn off some of the festive fare. We've been asked to bring some port so that must mean that there will be cheese. Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

But it's only once a year and I'm 7lb ahead of my scheduled loss of 2lb a week so I have a little bit of give. But it would be nice if the damage isn't excessive. And, actually, will I be able to walk much at all because of my bad back? I fell on our very wet and slippy path about 10 days ago and my back is a bad way as I landed on it quite heftily (and I'm a big girl, don't forget!). Despite the Nurofen Plus, Ibuleve and sticky heat patches, it has stubbornly refused to get better and, as Dietgirl would say, I've had a dirty cow of a week. I was supposed to go and stay with my bestest friend Sarah near Winchester at the weekend but my back took against the idea and landed me back in my sick bed. There was no way I could drive 100 miles with it crippling me, let alone enjoy the delights of Winchester Christmas market, which would have been ace. I love a good Christmas market. The one in Manchester provided hours of delight last year, apart from when it was absolutely rammed which, to be truthful, was most of the time.

But it did supply me with gluhwein and hot pork sandwiches, for which I am eternally grateful, though my figure is not. And it really got me into the festive spirit which is slightly lacking this year, mainly due to me not having a job yet. But we have a lovely 8ft tree surrounded by presents and a cat who likes to swipe the baubles, so that perks me up a bit. And it is only a week to go until Father Christmas comes. I'd say Merry Christmas but I think I'll make up for my absence by posting a few more times this week. Ho, ho, ho...

Royally pissed off

Have put on 3lb and am too grumpy to post.

Bah Humbug!

I'm so not full of Christmas cheer this morning. For some unknown reason I've managed to put on 0.75lb this week, which I know isn't a massive gain but still makes me grumpy. I know my body is probably adjusting to such a big loss last week but I wish I could have just stayed the same so I don't feel as though I'm going backwards. It's nice saying "I've lost 33lb" and horrid the next week to have to amend it to "I've lost 32.25lb" and now I doubt I'm going to make my mini goal of losing 40lb by Christmas. Serves me right for setting time goals; I should just be happy to lose the weight as and when it comes off instead of giving myself unreasonable expectations. I'm still ahead of my 2lb a week schedule so I should be happy. But a gain just throws a massive spanner into the works and has me doubting myself again.

I know I can do this. I know it's going to take me a long time but I'm convinced that I can get there. So why does putting on a measly 3/4lb make me worry so much? I'm just terrified that for some reason my body just won't lose the weight and I'll be stuck like this forever, getting inexorably fatter until I'm bed bound and weigh 75 stone. I'm fed up of being like this and just want to be a decent weight again. And I've been doing all the right things this week. I've stayed within my calories, even counting a violet cream chocolate that was inside my spanking new wooden nativity advent calendar (70 calories! For one chocolate!!). I love rose and violet creams and I'll be getting one every other day from now until Christmas. The advent calendar has a nativity scene on top of 24 mini drawers, each big enough for a choccy surprise and I'm sharing the opening with Jim. I get rose and violet creams and he gets a broken up bar of Green and Black's cherry chocolate.

We're getting our Christmas tree today. For the first time we actually have room for a big one so we're going to get a six-foot Nordic spruce (or something) with non-drop needles so you don't end up with sharp bits of tree embedded in your foot every day. Only problem is, when we normally decorate the tree, we have mulled wine and stollen or mince pies to accompany the carols and general festiveness. And they're far too many calories for me so I'm going to have to make do with a lemsip (for my ongoing stinky cold) and a satsuma. Unless I say "Sod it" and have a treat and hope the extra calories kick start my weight loss again. Nah, knowing my luck I'd just put on more weight next week.

I'll probably weigh more next Sunday morning anyway as my parents are coming to visit next weekend and we're going out for dinner on Saturday night so I'll be full of food and wine. They're bringing down all our Christmas presents and taking theirs back with them so I'll have to pull my finger out and buy some. No, I still haven't braved Cribbs Causeway but am going to go tomorrow night. Really. And not go to Nando's for my tea. Oh how I love the Nando's. Half a chicken and chips with garlic sauce and a coke is just my idea of heaven. But it comes in at well over 1000 calories and is just a no-no unless I save some calories in advance. Which there's no chance of me doing between now and tomorrow night unless I don't eat today. Or unless the fancy gym actually calls me back about my free trial day and I can go tomorrow and work my butt off.

But that's not going to happen and I'm going to be stuck in my unemployed hell with just QVC and the fridge for company. They were advertising for a receptionist at the gym and I might get a free membership if I worked there but the pay's probably gash and they're not going to want a fat bird behind reception putting off all the skinny gym bunnies. I guess i could apply and see. Anything's got to be better than Jobseeker's Allowance. It's no wonder I want to turn to food. But I won't. I shall resist heroically and see if the weight comes off again next Sunday. All I can say is it'd better.

Knickers

I'm quite chuffed today. I was getting dressed (at 12:30, oh the joys of being unemployed!) and thought I'd try on a pair of Evans knickers in size 26/28 which didn't fit me a few weeks ago. And, drum roll please, they fit!! They're still on the snug side but I'm wearing them with pride. It's bizarre how I need a size 26/28 in Evans but can fit into M&S size 22 knickers and elasticated waist trousers. I know that my true size is a 28 (unless I fit into a pair of size 26 jeans when I go shopping) but I still kid myself that I'm not that big. I did almost die when I had to buy size 30 jeans a little while ago but it really brought my weight home to me.

I went to Gourmet Burger Kitchen last night and stuffed my fat face with a greek lamb burger, chips and garlic mayo. With a couple of glasses of red wine. And then went to The Woods for another glass of wine but were surrounded by students with no respect for other people's space so went to Goldbrick House which was lovely, if slightly expensive and had a cocktail. Which made me go over my calories for the day by 188, which isn't that bad considering.

I'm going slightly spare from not having a job and keep thinking about food even though I'm not hungry. It's amazing how boredom can lead to errant snacking. Being off sick for over a year must have made me put on so much more weight than if I'd been working. Plus I was given mirtazapine (on top of my other happy pills) which caused me to gain 3 stone in 3 months - error!! I still can't believe I used to stagger to the cake shop and buy three cakes as an afternoon snack. Or order a pizza for lunch or eat an entire tub of ice cream. I know I'm a long way from being a healthy weight but even these 33lb have made me feel so much better. And this time I know I'm not going to give up.

I want to be thin. I want to be healthy. I want to be able to walk a decent distance at a decent pace without my back killing me and my legs aching. I want to be able to walk up a flight of stairs without being out of breath at the top. I want to shop in normal shops, not just Evans (although some of their stuff isn't bad) and I'd love to be able to wear clothes from Boden, Jigsaw, Hobbs and Phase Eight. I want to be able to buy sexy underwear in a size 16. I'll probably shrink back down to a 38C bra when all the weight comes off as that's what I was when I was thin. My 44DDs are getting a bit loose and I'm fastening them on the last set of hooks so I might be able to get some 42DDs soon and then wear the vast stash of 40DDs in my underwear drawer. And the thought of having size 16 knickers keeps me going. I'm on the way.

Attack of the Incredible Shrinking Woman!

Its been several hours and I'm still in shock. I have - quite unbelievably - lost 7.75lb this week! That's the 2.25lb I put on after Devon and an extra 5.5lb just for fun. And I've been slightly over my calories (with a couple of "dark" muffins and bags of crisps not even entered in my food diary) but then I was incredibly active on Thursday and Friday as we were filming and I was rushing around here, there and everywhere. So I've hit the 2 stone lost mark and surpassed it by an incredible 5lb, making 33lb lost in 12 weeks and time for a progress photo.

So there you go. I can't tell much difference (probably due to my baggy jeans and top) but Jim says you can definitely tell in my face and my tummy. I certainly feel thinner and my jeans are literally falling off me. I will end up accidentally mooning someone the way I'm going. Methinks a new pair are in order from Mum and Dad as part of my Christmas present. I'll probably have to get a size 28 but if I can squeeze into a 26 I will as I'm only going to keep losing weight and I'll be broke from buying new clothes. I'll carry on wearing my tops and dresses as long as I can, even though they're already slightly large (well, the size 28 ones are) as there's not as much chance of buttock flashing there. Even my bras are a bit loose. I measured myself and I've now lost 3 inches off my chest, 4 inches off my waist and a meagre 2 inches off my child-bearing hips (hippo-bearing, more like!)

And my calories have dropped to 1733 (I think) which means having slightly smaller portions of things like oven chips and rice so I can keep on having plenty of fruit and veg, although I have decreased my grapes from 150g to 125g and bought smaller satsumas. I might have to start doing some exrecise. Mind you, I've got the time now I'm unemployed again. Although I'm so tired and achey from the filming that I might only manage a walk round the block before my back and legs scream for mercy. At least it will save me from the horrors of daytime TV. I may even blog a couple more times a week with my random musings. I have got to do some Christmas shopping this week which means a trip to Cribbs Causeway aka the ninth circle of hell. But my parents have told me to buy myself something from them so I can indulge in a bit of retail therapy. I'll just have to try and resist the lure of Nando's.

Black dog

I'm fed up. So fed up that I haven't been to work for the past two days. I have had a nasty headache both mornings but not the migraine I told my boss. Well, that Jim told my boss as I was too stressed to call in sick. I really wish my depression would just bugger off and leave me alone but it's just there, following me around like Winston Churchill's black dog, crapping on my life. I've been depressed for over seven years, on and off, and very much on for the last two years. I know that I'm a lot better than I was and I don't want to kill myself any more (which is always a bonus) but I never feel fully better.

I have my good days and my bad days and I suppose I've just had a couple of miserable days which haven't been helped by not sleeping and having the sniffles and cystitis. And I'm so scared about not having a job from the end of this week that I'm beside myself with worry. I've only been back at work for seven weeks after being off sick for over a year and I can't face the tedium of sitting in the house all day watching pap on the telly. I know that I could get a temp job but I also know I'd hate it and get even more depressed and I don't want that to happen. But we need the money and there are no TV jobs in sight so I may not have much choice.

And all this doesn't help my diet. I've put on so much weight from comfort eating and hating myself. Okay, I put on four or five stone from eating the wrong things and drinking too much at university but I was 'only' about 17 or 18 stones before the depression kicked in, not the 27 stones I ended up not too long ago. Depression makes you so down, so apathetic and so self-hating that you don't give a monkey's what you put in your mouth as long as you stop hurting for a little while. One of the worst times was when I first moved to Manchester and lived away from Jim for 18 months. I was sad and lonely despite a job I loved and my best friend was the Iranian man in the kebab shop. I'd call in on the way back from work and get a chicken kebab and garlic bread then go to the off licence for a bottle of wine to drink in bed on my own. And the McDonalds, chippy and KFC nearby didn't help. Or the Blockbuster, from where I'd get a family-size bag of popcorn to go with my film, plus a bag of sweets and a tub of ice cream.

And the last couple of years have been a nightmare weight-wise. I was too depressed to cook and didn't want the healthy meals Jim would vainly attempt to cook for me, opting for Domino's pizza (large Full House, chicken strippers, dips and sticky dippers pudding) or a tandoori mixed grill or spare ribs, chicken satay and special fried rice or, my old stand by, fish and chips. Which I really feel like tonight. But he's just come home with steak, oven chips and broccoli, bless him so I'm safe from the temptations of the chippy. For now anyway.

Never go on holiday

Well, not if you want to lose weight, that is. I've just got back from five days in Devon and have put on 2.25lb with not a cream tea in sight. Mind you, there was the beef wellington, the canapes, the blackcurrant mousse cake, the roquefort, the wensleydale, the pizza, the chips, the chocolate, the red wine, white wine and champagne. Lots and lots of champagne. I've apparently had over 50 units of alcohol in the last 7 days!! Oh dear!! Bu the holiday was fun, if very cold!

Never mind, I'm sure it will all come off again this week. If I can lose 2.75lb, I'll have lost 2 stones in total which would make me really happy. I want to lose 35lb by Christmas... so I can put it all back on again!! No, I will try and be good and leave off the booze a bit more than this week. You just get carried away when you're with other people, don't you? We've brought two bottles of champagne back with us but I don't intend to open it until New Year's Eve. We might have one bottle when my mum and dad come and visit in three weeks but I doubt I'll have any alcohol in the intervening time. It just makes me feel too rough and uses up my calories which I'd prefer to spend on yummy food. Like the bars of Green and Black's in the kitchen cupboard...!

So close

Five's always been my lucky number, mainly becasue it's the date of my birthday and now it's starting to make sense. I've lost another 5lb this week, taking me to 27.5lb or half a pound off two stones, which is almost 1/7 of the weight I have to lose. Even my dad's impressed and that takes some doing. He's trying to lose weight himself, mainly by going for a nine-mile walk every day but he's rather haphazard with his eating and doesn't weigh or measure anything. I looked up his calorie requirement on WLR and told him how many he should be eating and he said he'd start looking at packets. He's been allowing about 350 calories for breakfast, which is around 70g of muesli and milk but he weighed it the other day and it was 4oz, or over 100g so over a hundred calories more. And I doubt he's reduced the portion size. He's making a curry for dinner from his Indian recipe book and I bet it has tons of oil in it. I'm tempted to buy him some electronic scales and a calorie book but he wouldn't use them.

Mind you, he hasn't got that much weight to lose. He's about 14st 6lb and wants to be 13st 7lb so less than a stone. I'm sure he could do it in no time if he really put his mind to it but he'll be doing it half-heartedly for months. I guess it gives him something to think about now he's retired! I could spend almost all my time focused on my eating if I didn't have anything better to do; in fact I did when I wasn't working. Well, that and QVC. At least I've got two and a half days more work this week before going away. And I'm hoping they're going to need me for at least a week when I get back. If I could have a job until the end of November I wouldn't be too stressed. Then I could have three weeks off before Christmas and look for something for the New Year. Three weeks to do my shopping - easy!

I'm already thinking about eating at Christmas and if I can possibly manage to lose weight or stay the same over the festive period. We're off to Jim's sister's in Abergavenny and I think we're having organic goose for Christmas Day, which will be heavenly. I just have to avoid eating all the skin from the carcass when no-one's looking! And only have a small portion of christmas pudding and no cheese. And ration out my Christmas choccy for the next six months rather than eating it all in two days and feeling bloated and sick. And not drinking too much. It's only staying off the booze that helps me to lose weight. I barely drink alcohol these days as I'd rather spend the calories on food. I'll have some in Devon but try not to get blotto. And it would be a crime not to have some white wine when we go to Fishworks on Tuesday.

I'll have to remember to take a pad and pen with me to Devon so I can write down what I'm eating and drinking so I can enter it in my food diary when I get home on Sunday. I won't stress too much if I go over a little bit as it is my only holiday this year but I think it might have been an error to buy some Green and Black's chocolate bars to take with us for after dinner nibbles. But there will be more than 10 of us to share it. i wonder if there's anywhere near the cottage to have a cream tea? It would be a shame to go to Devon and not have one. But it would be about 500 calories. Hmmm. I think if I lose half a pound this week I'll be more than happy. And that two stone will be mine, all mine. Mwahahaha!!

Teeny tiny

I'm so glad my new scales measure in quarters of a pound as I've lost the princely sum of a 0.25lb this week. And I'm actually quite relieved. After two weeks of 5lb losses I expected to stay the same or even put on weight but thankfully I've lost a tiny bit which, considering the week I've had, is quite remarkable. The puddings finally got me. It was the last week I'll be getting free food at work as this week we aren't in studio and my contract is up on Friday (aaargh!!) so I decided to make the most of it and overindulged rather a lot. I had chocolate brownie with raspberries, trifle, chocolate tart and two helpings of tarte tatin, squeezed together in the same bowl and hidden by a swathe of cream to disguise the fact that I was being a pig. So it wouldn't have surprised me if I'd put on a pound or two, especially as I've also had fish and chips twice this week. But I didn't and now I have to be really good and aim to lose my regulation 2lb next week, before we go to Devon.

I suppose it's my chance to be really strict and hopefully lose a decent amount of weight before the holiday. Plus, Jim's mum and dad are coming to stay pre-Devon and we'll be having fish and chips one night and going out for dinner the next. Then five days at a windswept farmhouse near Dartmouth with far too much opportunity for troughing and no food diary to fill in. If I can escape with maintaining I'll be overjoyed. I'll have to be strict and abstain from too much booze as it's far too easy to have six or seven drinks when you're in company and that would be hundreds of calories, if not thousands (if I had beer rather than wine or gin). Plus, the food isn't really within my control and that's always a minefield. I might take my blender so I can stil have smoothies for breakfast or I might just have fruity porridge or spelt muesli. That might be easier. As long as I don't start having bacon and eggs every day. With buttered toast. And sausages. Mmmmmm!! Bad girl, naughty girl!

I'm going to be quite stressed as well as my job comes to an end on Friday and I haven't got anything lined up so I'll be poor and unemployed and in the house all day. I just have to stay away from the fridge and not go to Sainsbury's for bread and cakes to pass the time and ease the stress and boredom. I might have to get a Christmas job to pay the rent but I don't fancy working weekends as I won't get to see Jim. Plus, my parents are coming down on 7th December to bring all the Christmas pressies so I have to be around then. I'll see. I'm hoping Endemol will keep me on for another couple of weeks at least (obviously while letting me go to Devon for a few days) which will ease the financial strain and give me more time to get a job. Why are there no TV jobs in Bristol at the moment?! I don't want to go on Jobseekers Allowance as the people at the Job Centre always make you feel like a total loser. Grrr, why does life have to be so awkward?

And my achilles tendons are giving me gyp again so I can't walk very well. I need to get them better so I can go for walks when I'm out of work to keep me occupied and burn some more calories. It would be an ideal time to join the gym but, with having no work, I can't afford it. Catch 22 - if I have the time I don't have the money and if I have the money I don't have the time. Why can't there be a special gym and pool for fat people where you can exercise free of charge? It could be funded by the NHS to combat the rising costs of obesity. Of course, I'd want it to be fairly luxurious and not council-y at all. It would need nice changing rooms and hairdryers and stuff and lots of machines and a sauna and jacuzzi. And plenty of aqua aerobics classes at reasonable hours. And it would have to be situated at the end of my street so I would have no excuse not to use it. Mind you, the gym in Newcastle was at the end of the street and I still didn't go. I'm such a lazy tart. On which note, I'm going for a lie down and a cup of tea. It is Sunday after all.

Nekkid

I'm so loving my new scales. They arrived on Friday morning, express delivery, and I managed to hold off until today (Sunday) before weighing myself so there was a full week between weigh-ins. So I got up this morning, went to the loo and got on... 5.25lb lost!! They're swanky ones that weigh in quarter pounds so I'm getting a more accurate reading, particularly as I was naked when I weighed rather than clothed at Boots. Now I know tht some of the weight I've lost will be the weight of my usual clothes but I don't care!! A loss is a loss and I've now found my true weight. Just me, no added extras like pants and shoes.

So this takes me to 22.25lb in the last eight weeks, which I'm really happy with - over a stone and a half and more than 10% of the weight I have to lose, which feels like such a big thing. My next target is 28lb, two stones, which will be almost 1/7 of what I need to lose. Each stone is such a milestone and it means I can break it down into manageable chunks rather than look at the full 14 stone 3, or 199lb, which is terrifying. But that 199lb has now come down to 176.75lb and will keep getting smaller, just like me.

And I've had a bit of a lardy week, to be honest. As I said in my last entry, we went to Gourmet Burger Kitchen for dinner last Sunday and I had a chicken satay burger, half a portion of chips and some luscious garlic mayo plus a glass of wine. And I'd already had two pints of cider at the pub and then I had a beer when I got home so I was well over my calories for the day. Then we had fish and chips on the Monday and another beer and I've had bits and bobs of naughtiness at work, like mini chocolate bars and a chocolate brownie with chocolate sauce after my burger and fries on Friday. But I tracked nearly all of it and only went over my total week's calories by about 100 and I never once felt like giving up totally and just pigging out.

My mindset has really changed. I don't feel deprived at all, despite losing calories each week (I'm now down to below 1800 a day) and, okay, I do get hungry sometimes but I never feel like giving up and phonong Dominos. I know the weight loss makes all the hard work worthwhile and the more I lose, the more encouraged I am to lose more. I know I'll have some more sticky weeks where I stay the same, or even put on but the general trend is downwards and long may it continue. I've had my usual smoothie for breakfast, having got up at 8:15am despite it being a Sunday, and I'm going to have chorizo and manchego tortelloni for lunch and pork stuffed with spiced apples with oven chips and spinach for dinner. And probably some fruit as well. I love having the smoothie as it gives me over 5 portions of fruit for the day without even trying.

I need to go to Sainsbury's for some more frozen fruit but it's horrid outside, windy and raining, so I might hold off for a while. I got a free proof copy of Dietgirl's book so I might curl up with that and inspire myself further. I can't wait until I can say that I've lost half my bodyweight, like DG. I'm set to lose all my weight by July 2009 if I average 2lb a week, which is difficult but might be doable. I'll have to start exercising at some point to keep the weight loss going. If I get a longer term job, I might join the gym after Christmas. On the other hand, I might not. I might wait until I lose a bit more weight to make the exercise easier as I get headaches from exercising at this weight as my blood pressure is a bit high. Maybe once I've lost 10% of my body weight, which I think is 38lb. And, you know what, I actually believe I can do it!

Almost a banana

Well, what a difference a week makes. Having been so despondent last week about staying the same for two weeks, I'm now full of the joys of spring (well, autumn) having lost 5lb this week. This takes me well past my first mini-goal of a stone to a grand total loss of 17lb. I know that's not even 10% of my final total but it feels good to have broken through the stone mark, something I haven't managed to do since I lost 40lb with Weight Watchers six and a half years ago. Even when I was doing WW or Slimming World, I only stuck at it for four or five weeks and lost 12lb maximum before giving up at the first sign of a gain or staying the same, so 17lb feels like a big thing.

And I measured myself last week to try and alleviate the gloom and have lost 1 inch round my waist and 3 inches round my chest - typical! The first place it goes from is the last place I want to lose it from. My hips are still over 5ft around, which is shameful, but my BMI is below 50 for the first time in ages. I really am getting there. Slowly but at an average of 2lb a week, which is all I can ask for. I can't wait to hit 20lb, which is just over 10% of my target and will hopefully get there in a couple of weeks. But now I know that I can plateau for a couple of weeks and try not to let it affect me too much as I know that the weight will come off when it's good and ready. If I can lose 2 stone by Christmas, I'l be over the moon.

I'm trying to decide whether or not to buy some scales or continue with my weekly pilgrimage to Boots. Boots will work out cheaper and it's the scale I'm used to but I would like to weigh myself when I feel like it, naked so I get my true weight as I never know how much to allow for clothes and shoes. The scales I want weigh up to 27st 2lb and cost £39.99, which is quite a lot, especially as I'll be able to use my all-singing, all-dancing Tanita body fat ones when I get down to 23st or so. But I want them. And we are finally getting the money Bristol Uni owe us this week for removal expenses so we'll be solvent from Wednesday. Hmm, we'll see. I think my consumerist tendencies will win out.

Have just had a lovely roasted sweet potato soup with garlic flatbread for lunch as I needed the garlic to keep me going until we go to Gourmet Burger Kitchen tonight and I get my garlic mayo fix. I might go for the chicken satay burger with chips and the garlickiest mayo or the Greek Lamb burger I had last time, with hummus, tzatziki and chilli sauce. And I'll be clawing back calories all week to make up for it, especially if I give in and have a couple of beers as well. But it's the first time Jo and Tony are visiting Brizzle so I have to show them a good time. And then starve myself once they leave. And I'm down to 1812 calories a day, 81 less than I was on at the start, which is almost a banana. I might need to start cutting my fruit intake slightly or reducing the yoghurt in my smoothie to 100g or having 175g of chips rather than 200g. Or I could just get off my fat arse and do some exercise. But I'm so knackered when I get home from work and I spend the weekend sleeping. I really do; I got up at 11:30 yesterday and then slept for two hours in the afternoon!

But anyway, to sum things up, I'm a happy bod again and have renewed faith in both myself and the calorie counting. Yay!

Bum holes

I am very cross. And grumpy. And pissed off. And miserable. And every other negative adjective you can think of. I weighed myself today and have stayed the same for the second week running. I've stuck to my calories every day!!! Okay I haven't exercised but I haven't done before. I'm drinking my water and recording everything, even my Berocca. So why won't the scales budge? I appreciate that some weeks I won't lose weight. I know that. But I hadn't planned on a plateau this early in the journey. I've still got 13 stones and 5lbs to lose and the weight should be falling off me. But it bloody well isn't.

I'm starving too. Bacon butties for lunch really don't fill you up and I used far too much oil as I was so cross. Need to cook some tandoori chicken and rice later for my lunch tomorrow as it's a "dark" week and I don't get my lunch provided. Maybe it's the lunches - perhaps they have more calories than I've been calculating but I doubt it. I've even been restraining myself from the delicious-looking puddings and sticking to my fruit. I wonder whether having more booze has anything to do with it? Mum and dad have been here so I've had about 20% of my calories from alcohol for the past two days. But I'd saved up enough calories for it so I should have been fine. I'm baffled and want to give up but I'm sticking with it in the hope that the scales will budge next week.

If I stay the same for the next two weeks I might have to think about something drastic like Lighter Life or the Cambridge Diet as I really want to lose the weight for Jo's wedding in two years and if it's not coming off at 2lb a week I'm not going to do it. Okay, even if I don't lose all the weight at least I'll be lighter but i'd love to buy a Monsoon dress in a size 16 or an 18 at a push. And Lindos is really hilly so I'll need to be fit. I wonder if I should start going to the gym but I can't see me having the time now I'm back at work. By the time I get home at 6:30 I want to start cooking, not traipse 20 minutes down the road and do an hour's exercise first. But I might have to if the weight doesn't budge. As long as we have the money. Which is another story entirely.

On the level

Weighed myself this afternoon and have stayed the same at 26 stone 1lb so still a 12lb loss. I was hoping for my first stone today but I'm surprisingly okay. In the past I'd have been furious and started sulking and been ready to jack it all in but I think I'm making mental progress. Gone are the times I'd come home from Weight Watchers or Slimming World, having put on a pound via the Chinese takeaway, stocking up on spare ribs (c.1000 cals a portion - eek) duck with ginger and spring onions and special fried rice. Or get home and order a Domino's pizza, dips, chicken strips, coke and sticky dippers - well over 1500 cals.

My self-sabotage seems to have gone away, touch wood, and I'm looking forward to losing weight again next week. Fingers crossed. I have to say I'll be cross if I stay the same next week too but, then again, the parents are coming for their first visit to Brizzle and we're going out for dinner next Saturday. But we're going to Fishworks and so it should be relatively healthy despite the lovely bread, garlic mayo and salsa verde they tempt you with. I love fish and I'm so glad it's quite low in calories compared to most protein choices. I'll just have to stay clear of the puddings and dessert wines.

Speaking of puddings, I only had a slice of banoffee pie for lunch on top of eating a croissant with jam for breakfast. Both delicious but hardly filling or healthy. Which is probably why I've got a headache. That and being dehydrated. I've got so used to my 4 litres of water a day that I feel odd if I have less and you never drink enough water when you're visiting rellies. This time we were at Beckie's, Jim's sister, and had a lovely time. We did have a chinese takeaway last night but only a main course and rice, despite being offered crispy duck and pancakes - Christ knows how I abstained as I love them, love, love, love!! We did, admittedly, have some cheese straws and doritos beforehand but I counted them and came just over my daily calories but still under for the week.

Oh, and I've started work for the first time in over a year! It's only for five weeks but it gets me back into the swing of things and I actually enjoyed it. I'm sifting through applications for a Christmas special of Deal Or No Deal, looking for charity cases and deserving contestants and it should look good on my CV and pave the way for other work, I hope. And we get free lunches when in studio, which is both good and bad as I have to estimate the calories. But it's free!!! I'll see if I'm still happy at next week's weigh-in.

4 weeks in...

12lbs gone! Lost another 4lb this week to leave me 2lb off my first stone, which would be fab if I could get there next week. I was really worried I wouldn't have lost anything as I've been so inactive this week due to my cold but something seems to be working so I'm not complaining. I did only drink half my pint of smoothie before being weighed, which could have added an extra pound nearly but, then again, I haven't been, erm, regular for the past couple of days so there must be some weight in the, erm, blockage! Too much information, I know. Sorry.

I must have worked off some weight walking rounds Criibbs Causeway (Bristol's premier shopping destination) and Ikea (just huuuuge) this afternoon in the hunt for shaving cream and bookcases. Does stacking books onto shelves burn calories? Inquiring minds want to know. Looking forward to my stir fry for dinner - chicken with mixed veg and Wagamama coconut, ginger and lemongrass sauce with 70g of basmati rice. It's been a chicken and rice day - had tandoori chicken with rice (50g this time, smaller portion for lunch) and heaps of spinach earlier but it keeps me within my calories and is low in F-A-T.

Speaking of calories, I've lost another 19 a day with my weight loss this week so I'm now on 1836 a day. Considering how I must have been eating at least 3000 calories a day before I started the diet, I've adapted quite well. I wouldn't say it was easy but I really listen to my body now about when to eat as I'm bloody hungry a lot of the time. But before I'd just shovel food in all day and wouldn't listen to my stomach gently growling before I ate. Of course, I'd like to eat more - who wouldn't? But this seems to be working for me and I'm not climbing the walls with hunger. I'm just slightly concerned about how I'll adapt when my calorie allowance drops a bit more. Christ, I might have to start doing exercise to earn me some more to eat!! That shouldn't be for a while as Tracy from WLR has lost 113lb so far (in just over a year) and has only dropped about 400 calories a day. She does exercise like a demon though. Maybe that'll be me in a year's time. I hope so.

Saturday sniffles

Why am I always hungrier at the weekend? It's not as if I'm at work during the week which keeps my mind occupied and then have all weekend to think about food. I'm at home all week and, if anything, weekends should be easier as monkey boy is at home to keep me busy. We'd normally go out for a walk or something - trying to avoid delis and cake shops on our way - but today I'm sniffling on the sofa wrapped in a blanket. I've had this pooey cold for the past four days and I'm getting fed up. And I'm hungry. Feed a cold, starve a fever... I wish!!

Had some apple and raisin fruity porridge for breakfast with skimmed milk, then chorizo and manchego tortelloni with chilli oil and parmesan followed by two figs and an apple for lunch so I shouldn't be peckish but I am. Not famished but if someone offered me a pizza, I couldn't see me turning it down. Especially a Pizza Hut stuffed crust super supreme with pineapple instead of olives, mmmmmmm!

How I wish I was immune to the delights of fatty food but it wasn't salad that got me in this mess. It was an unbridled desire for pizza, fish and chips, spare ribs, tandoori mixed grills, cakes, chocolate and ice cream in gargantuan quantities. Not that I haven't had fish and chips since calorie counting; I've had it three times but managed to fit it into the day's allowance. Kind of. And it fitted in with my elimination diet, which I've since abandoned as I couldn't feel any difference. And now I can have cows' milk I can have it skimmed instead of semi-skimmed goats' milk so it's less fat and calories. I'm still trying to avoid yeast and almonds (after a lemon and almond cake made me feel really odd) but it's too hard to both calorie count and eliminate half the core food groups - yeast, cow's milk (and cheese and butter etc), coffee, cola nuts, almonds, oats, sesame, eggs and black pepper.

At least I've adjusted to sugar-free Ribena so I can have hot beena for my cold for only 7.5 calories a mug. So comforting. Might have a chicken stir-fry for dinner as that's fairly low fat and my lunch was okay for cals but high in the lardy stuff. And more fruit. According to WLR I've been having about 14 portions of fruit and veg a day but they calculate it strangely. I have been drinking heaps of water - at least 4 or 5 litres a day so I know the weight loss isn't water. I hope. At this rate, I'll turn into a fish. Or a mermaid, which is kind of cool. A hungry mermaid, though!!

Not starting at the very beginning

Well, I could have started at the beginning like normal people. Or the song from the Sound of Music. It is, after all, a very good place to start. But, no, I'm different. Or just super disorganised. Probably the latter, knowing me. So this is my weight loss blog but it's not the beginning of my journey. That started three and a half weeks ago when I weighed in at 377 pounds. Oh yes, read it and weep. I know I did. In British money, that's 26 stones and 13lb or, for our European cousins 171.36 kilos. Fat, in other words. Really, really fat. Morbidly obese, about to get diabetes kind of fat. Dying of a heart attack kind of fat.

I've tried endless diets - Weight Watchers, Slimming World, South Beach, Atkins (for one day) - and never lost more than 9 or 10 pounds before quitting and piling on even more weight (apart from when I dd WW a few years ago and lost 40lb... then put 100lb back on). So I decided that this time it was going to be different. Mind you, I do that every time. But seriously, I have to do something about my weight before I shuffle off this mortal coil and they have to send me to a special crematorium for lard arses. So I've joined a fabulous website called Weight Loss Resources, which tells you how many calories you need per day to lose a certain amount of weight and has an amazing database of foods with which you fill in a daily food diary. There's a lot more to it which I'm sure I'll talk about later but that's the basics.

So, three and a half weeks in I've lost eight pounds. 8lb. Which is fine. Not super great or anything but fine. I'm set to lose 2lb per week so I'm ahead of target and I haven't weighed myself since Monday (it's Friday) as I'm only weighing once a week. So the 8lb was in three weeks. 4lb, then 1lb, then 3lb. 4% of the way there approximately. Oh yes, how much am I trying to lose? 199lb. I could have made it a round 200lb but, hey, I like the irregularity of it and it would take me to 178lb, 12stone 10lb, or just shy of 81 kilos. In other words, over half my body will have disappeared. If I stick to this and it works that is. And it's going to take me about two years if I can lose an average of 2lb per week.

So I'm here for the long run. Will I still be here in two years at my ideal weight? Only time will tell.