Like a tart's knickers

Sorry to our more sensitive readers for the crude analogy but my weight is up and down like panties with loose elastic at the moment. I get really chuffed that I've dropped a couple of pounds but then, hey presto, there they are the next day winking at me. We're back! Did you miss us? Grrr! On Friday, I'd even dropped below the magical 5 stone barrier but, oh no, that wasn't going to last and four and a half pounds were stacked on this morning. But they might b*gger off again by tomorrow as I had booze last night which always gives me a temporary gain. Or permanent in the case of last week's Stella binge. I might have to change my official weigh-in day from a Sunday as it means Saturday night drinks are a no-no. Not that I go out and down 12 alcopops and flash my knickers in the city centre while vomiting up a kebab (often, anyway!) but sometimes we have guests and go out for dinner. I might even have a dinner party soon - there's posh!

Unfortunately for me, that means keeping up with the Joneses and the last dinner party I went to had four courses - bacon, avocado and parmesan salad, shepherd's pie, apple and pear crumble and cheese - and copious quantities of wine to wash it down. So that's what I have to match. I'm thinking of buffalo mozzarella, avocado and tomato salad followed by lasagne and salad then chocolate brownies with raspberries and ice cream and then cheese. Or should it be cheese before pudding, as the French do? Then you can finish your red wine with it. But I don't often have any wine left and I'll probably get a bottle of port for the cheese course. If I'm feeling flash, I might bake a loaf of raisin and rosemary bread to have alongside the biscuits. And, of course, the lasagne and brownies will be homemade - Jamie Oliver for the lasagne and Nigella for the brownies, with Green and Black's chocolate, mmmm!

So I'll be saving my calories for that week to accommodate the extra grub and vino. We might have to have it on the Friday night as one of the guests sings at the cathedral on Sunday mornings so can't do late Saturday nights. And I might, just might, be working by then. The swines at the Ministry of Doom have now decided that I can't start work until April and the new tax year. April!! I'll be eating rubbish from people's bins by then, such is our cash drought. There's nothing I can do about it but I'm going to apply for another job in the meantime that pays more money and hope I get it. And I have to go for a medical next Friday due to my health issues. And take my medication with me. Why? Can't I just tell them what I'm on? It's not Show and Tell. And the Nazis at the Job Centre are trying to make me find a temp job for the next three weeks. Which I really ought to do, to be honest as we need the money, but I hate temping. But I might give some agencies a call on Monday morning and pimp myself.

They'd better not expect me to wear a suit as I don't possess one and never intend to. Black trousers (M&S size 22 elasticated waist) and a shirt or wrap dress will have to do. Not the dress I tried on last week (see last post) as I managed not only to not fit into it but to actually break it due to my girth! It has a ribbon that ties inside to another ribbon and they snapped as I was trying to pull them too tightly. So it'll be another stone or two before that dress is resurrected. But I might have to donate some clothes to the local charity emporium as some of my size 28 tops/short dresses are hanging off me. I thought they'd be okay for a little longer but I look like Demis Roussos which isn't exactly foxy. And when I sit down, they sag forwards and flash my bra. Not nice.

I'm not sure whether or not to update my dress size on here as my jeans are a size 24 and I could definitely fit into size 24 tops. But I think the jeans are lying to me and are really more like a 26 so I'm loathe to paint myself as smaller than I am in case the over confidence comes back to bite me. I tried on some size 26 jeans in Evans and they only just fitted so I'm not sure whether my jeans (Amelie May from the defunct Etam) are generous or the Evans ones are skimpy. I think I'll leave it for now. Right, Liverpool v Newcastle is the featured match on Sky Sports so I'm going to pour myself a generous glass of... water and watch the game. Will be back tomorrow for the weekly weigh-in. Let's hope it's the equivalent of knickers round the ankles!