Curing the hiccup(s)

I knew it would happen. My colossal mountains of food and oceans of drink have been rewarded with a 3.5lb weight gain and I'm feeling chastened and ready to climb back on the Weight Watchers wagon. Tomorrow. Because, as we all know, it's a) wrong to start a sentence with "because" and b) any food and drink you consume the evening after your weigh-in does not count. It's the unwritten rule of WW, the sort of thing they should put in the introductory handouts. You get weighed, you eat something a little naughty, then you start again the following morning. Everyone I have ever met who follow WW follows this rule. It's like broken biscuits. They have no points or calories. And nibbles of food you eat standing at the fridge. None of it counts.

I'm finding it hard to leave calories behind and switch my allegiance wholeheartedly to points. Particularly when it comes to seeds. A tsp of seeds (pumpkin, sunflower or linseed) has about 20 calories (from memory. 20-ish, anyway) yet costs me half a point, the same as an apple which has about 75 calories. This seems illogical to my calorie-led brain. I know it all balances out at the end of the day but my morning smoothie is looking a bit sick now I have to count 1.5 points for my three different teaspoons of seeds. But, then again, I can have 100g of raspberries for half a point whereas I only used to allow myself 75g when I was calorie counting. Swings, meet roundabouts.

But I need the meetings. I need the discipline of the weekly weigh-in and someone asking me if I knew why I'd gained weight or congratulating me for losing it. We have a new leader who's about 23 and quite nervous but very sweet. And she's lost 125lb, which is fairly bloody impressive and it kind of gives me the confidence I've been lacking that I can do this. I can lose the 150+ pounds still hanging around my physique like a bad smell. It may take me longer than I thought but it will happen. I was foolish to think I could lose a set 2lb a week for two years and boom, that would be that. It worked out that I was losing around 2lb a week but nothing accounted for the giant two-month blip that led to me putting a stone back on. I was also foolish to plan my weight loss in my diary and attempt to reach ever-increasing targets. Of course, I'd slip behind then eat pizza to beat myself up for not being perfect.

I had pizza yesterday. And chicken strippers. And potato wedges. And 1.25 litres of fat coke. The misery took over and I binged. It tasted marvellous but I felt so guilty afterwards that I wish I hadn't done it. But I can't say it won't happen again. I'm slowly learning that this weight-loss business isn't always about setting and meeting targets. It's not about points and calories and pounds and inches. It's about what goes on in your head as well as what goes in your mouth. If your head isn't in the right place, it doesn't matter how hard you try. Something will come and bite you in the rear. Something called life. I want to lose 2lb a week every week. I want to hit my targets. But I know that I won't always do that. And I think I'm starting to accept it. That, mes amis, is progress.

And so you're back, from outer space...

Oh dear, it has been a while. I expect I've lost any readers I once had and this little blog is just for my eyes only again. But never mind, serves me right for being useless. No, that's too self-critical. I've been ill and not in the mood for charting my weight loss or, indeed, losing any weight at all. In fact, I've been chalking up the pounds and had gained almost a stone from my last weigh-in. But I've seized my girth with both hands and had a bit of a shake-up. I've left WLR with some regret and guilt and all the lovely people who helped me there because I lost the motivation to do this on my own. Instead, I've joined Weight Watchers for the umpteenth time as I feel I need the group aspect and the weekly weigh-in to keep me on track.

Except it doesn't always work like that, does it? I had a dreadful first week but somehow lost 5lb despite pizza, wine and all sorts of rubbish. Did the loss spur me on for the second week? Hmm, a little. I was a bit better but weighed in to find I'd stayed the same. Which sent me into a spiral of self-doubt and self-loathing and bingeing of epic proportion on both food and booze. I had put on so much weight that I didn't go to the meeting last Thursday and then spent the weekend at a Eurovision party where I drank so much cava, sangria and beer that I passed out on the floor at midnight, unable to get into bed. The monumental hangover on Sunday was somewhat assuaged by a Nando's feast, then some lovely apricot tart and white chocolate-covered strawberries and then two burgers for lunch yesterday and a huge steak with garlic butter, chips and more apricot tart. After which I had indigestion so bad it felt as though I was having a heart attack.

So I've started afresh. With a detox, too. I bought some herbal detox tablets and tincture and I've started a diet that cuts out all the bad things I'm not supposed to eat. Now, I did the blood test three years ago and my intolerances have probably changed but I'm basically intolerant to cow's milk, yeast, egg white, coffee, cola nut, sesame, oats, almonds, nutmeg and black pepper. Phew, that's quite a list!! But I've consumed none of them today and feel quite proud of myself.

I was almost tempted by the demon Domino's but had a shower and made a cup of cleansing nettle, fennel and ginger tea and had two satsumas and the urge to binge has passed. I know it's just because it's the first day of a "diet" and I'm not allowed to have it that makes me want it. No, maybe it's also the fact that I'm a greedy pizza monster! And I'm feeling a little low as Jim is in London for the next two days doing research so I'm on my own in the house on sick leave, feeling guilty about being off work and going to the fridge every five minutes. But I had gluten-free organic muesli for breakfast with goats' milk, lentil soup and grilled chicken salad for lunch, a snack of dairy-free guacamole and organic blue corn tortilla chips, lots of fruit and chicken fajitas for dinner, with sheep's yoghurt instead of sour cream.

Ooh, I've joined a gym, too but haven't been for over a week. I shall try and go tomorrow. If there's anyone out there, wish me luck.

A Question of Scale(s)

Hello. Sorry for the long absence but I've not been in the mood for blogging recently for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I tried to reduce one of my medications and it all backfired and left me weeping every day which isn't exactly conducive to cheery communication. Secondly, I've been lied to. By my scales. I tried using my nice Tanita body fat scales that I was too heavy for when I started and they said I was over a stone heavier than my Weight Watchers ones. Surely some mistake? So I weighed myself at Boots and they agreed with the Tanita. So I weighed myself at the doctor and they said the same. I haven't lost five stone at all. I'm a fraud and a failure. I had only lost just over four stone.

So I went on a food and drink bender and have only just clawed my back back on the wagon. Pizza, ice cream, cookies, burgers, chips, beer, wine - all were fair game and I stuffed them down my throat in misery and disbelief that i could have kidded myself that I'd lost that much weight. So I've put some weight on and am now behind my schedule of losing 2lb a week. I feel thoroughly miserable but have decided that I can't let myself get back to the fat me of seven months ago. And I've stlll lost almost four stone and know that if I keep going, the rest will come off too. In time. If I'm really committed, I might even be able to catch up the 4.8lb I'm behind and get back to my schedule of losing the weight by next summer.

So I'm back. I'm sorry to anyone who has checked my blog in vain over the last three weeks and thankful that there are people out there who care. I've had my 0% Greek yoghurt, muesli and compote (Yeo Valley strawberry and rhubarb - fab!) and three pints of water and have no immediate plans to hijack the Sainsbury's cookie stand. I have a 284 calorie ready meal for lunch which I will supplement with a sugar-free jelly and an apple and then plenty of calories left for dinner, which I will decide on when I hit Waitrose this evening. I might even go for a walk and earn even more calories (I walked into town and back yesterday and earned 400 calories so I could have yet more yoghurt, muesli and compote for my supper last night)

I'm determined not to let my weight beat me into submission and am trying to keep positive and recognise that I've already lost a reasonable amount of weight. I'm not going to be the fat sister in Jo's wedding photos next August. Even if I don't make it to a size 16, I should at least get down to an 18 and be able to buy nice clothes. Not that you can't get some good stuff in my size. My parents bought me a new cardigan in a size 22 at the weekend (I got the blue one) and I don't look too hideous in it. I still don't believe my jeans are a size 24 though. But at least they're not the size 30 I started with.

And I finally start work on Monday! I've bought a Cath Kidston bag to take my lunch in and have had my fringe trimmed so I no longer resemble Highland cattle. I can't afford a cut and colour yet but I've booked one for the Saturday after I get paid. I might even buy myself some new glasses when I have my eye test tomorrow as I've had my current ones for 7 years and they're scratched to death. I've seen some black ones with sparkly bits as recommended by Gok Wan from How To Look Good Naked and they look quite cool and would give me a break from wearing my lenses every day. So this is my last week of freedom before I become a working woman again. Yippee!

Just a quickie

Thought I ought to post as it's the Official Weigh-In Day of Doom. Managed to lose 3.5lb which isn't bad but nowhere near as much as I'd lost on Friday morning. But only 1.75lb to lose to hit five stone gone so keeping my fingers crossed for next week. Might be a bit of a struggle as the in-laws are here for three days and taking us out to dinner on Wednesday so much food and wine is in the offing. But did a walk today and haven't eaten the calories so they're in the bank. Unless I eat them later as I'm famished. Right, best go and help Jim do my job application - bless him! Cross everything - if I get this job I might be able to afford to join a gym.

Like a tart's knickers

Sorry to our more sensitive readers for the crude analogy but my weight is up and down like panties with loose elastic at the moment. I get really chuffed that I've dropped a couple of pounds but then, hey presto, there they are the next day winking at me. We're back! Did you miss us? Grrr! On Friday, I'd even dropped below the magical 5 stone barrier but, oh no, that wasn't going to last and four and a half pounds were stacked on this morning. But they might b*gger off again by tomorrow as I had booze last night which always gives me a temporary gain. Or permanent in the case of last week's Stella binge. I might have to change my official weigh-in day from a Sunday as it means Saturday night drinks are a no-no. Not that I go out and down 12 alcopops and flash my knickers in the city centre while vomiting up a kebab (often, anyway!) but sometimes we have guests and go out for dinner. I might even have a dinner party soon - there's posh!

Unfortunately for me, that means keeping up with the Joneses and the last dinner party I went to had four courses - bacon, avocado and parmesan salad, shepherd's pie, apple and pear crumble and cheese - and copious quantities of wine to wash it down. So that's what I have to match. I'm thinking of buffalo mozzarella, avocado and tomato salad followed by lasagne and salad then chocolate brownies with raspberries and ice cream and then cheese. Or should it be cheese before pudding, as the French do? Then you can finish your red wine with it. But I don't often have any wine left and I'll probably get a bottle of port for the cheese course. If I'm feeling flash, I might bake a loaf of raisin and rosemary bread to have alongside the biscuits. And, of course, the lasagne and brownies will be homemade - Jamie Oliver for the lasagne and Nigella for the brownies, with Green and Black's chocolate, mmmm!

So I'll be saving my calories for that week to accommodate the extra grub and vino. We might have to have it on the Friday night as one of the guests sings at the cathedral on Sunday mornings so can't do late Saturday nights. And I might, just might, be working by then. The swines at the Ministry of Doom have now decided that I can't start work until April and the new tax year. April!! I'll be eating rubbish from people's bins by then, such is our cash drought. There's nothing I can do about it but I'm going to apply for another job in the meantime that pays more money and hope I get it. And I have to go for a medical next Friday due to my health issues. And take my medication with me. Why? Can't I just tell them what I'm on? It's not Show and Tell. And the Nazis at the Job Centre are trying to make me find a temp job for the next three weeks. Which I really ought to do, to be honest as we need the money, but I hate temping. But I might give some agencies a call on Monday morning and pimp myself.

They'd better not expect me to wear a suit as I don't possess one and never intend to. Black trousers (M&S size 22 elasticated waist) and a shirt or wrap dress will have to do. Not the dress I tried on last week (see last post) as I managed not only to not fit into it but to actually break it due to my girth! It has a ribbon that ties inside to another ribbon and they snapped as I was trying to pull them too tightly. So it'll be another stone or two before that dress is resurrected. But I might have to donate some clothes to the local charity emporium as some of my size 28 tops/short dresses are hanging off me. I thought they'd be okay for a little longer but I look like Demis Roussos which isn't exactly foxy. And when I sit down, they sag forwards and flash my bra. Not nice.

I'm not sure whether or not to update my dress size on here as my jeans are a size 24 and I could definitely fit into size 24 tops. But I think the jeans are lying to me and are really more like a 26 so I'm loathe to paint myself as smaller than I am in case the over confidence comes back to bite me. I tried on some size 26 jeans in Evans and they only just fitted so I'm not sure whether my jeans (Amelie May from the defunct Etam) are generous or the Evans ones are skimpy. I think I'll leave it for now. Right, Liverpool v Newcastle is the featured match on Sky Sports so I'm going to pour myself a generous glass of... water and watch the game. Will be back tomorrow for the weekly weigh-in. Let's hope it's the equivalent of knickers round the ankles!

Tired and emotional

Enter the ICHC online Poker Cats Contest!I've been meaning to post for days but haven't been in the best of moods so thought I'd spare you the pity party. I've not cheered up that much today, to be honest, but thought I ought to post or I'd give up the blog completely and I don't want to do that as it's a useful tool for me to express my thoughts about my weight loss. Or lack of loss, as this week would have it. I had a bad week, to put it mildly, and have put on 4.75lb - grrr! I did have pizza twice, two lots of fish and chips, ice cream, wine and - on one night - nine (count 'em) pints of Stella followed by a kebab AND butter and pate on toast!!!! Serves me right, I know. That magic five stone mark is looking even more elusive. And I'm still craving pizza today.

Part of the reason is my knackeredness through not sleeping very well and having a constant headache because of that. I'm trying to cut down one of my medications as it's linked to diabetes but it's wrecking my sleep. This makes me tired and grumpy and not in the mood for walking and eating healthily so I pig out on rubbish and promise that tomorrow will be another day. I got back on the straight and narrow yesterday but today is proving a struggle. Domino's is calling my name very loudly and I'm about to cave in. I suppose if I do that I can claw the calories back through exercise during the rest of the week but I feel so weak and helpless at the moment.

The uncertainty about my job doesn't help. I received a phone call last week asking me when I'd like to start, even though the pre-employment checks aren't complete, so I said today. They then phoned back saying they might like me to start next Monday (10th) but would confirm on Friday. They didn't. Then I received a Criminal Records Bureau form to fill out and the accompanying letter said that the checks can take up to 25 working days and that I wouldn't be "offered employment" until they had a satisfactory result. Does this mean I won't be starting next week? I tried to call and find out several times but nobody is answering the phone, leaving me very frustrated and worried. And wanting to eat.

And today's my six-month anniversary of starting my diet so I want to be good. There are positives. I'm ahead of schedule and have dropped two (or three, if you believe my jeans - I don't) dress sizes. My BMI has dropped by almost 9 points and I'm within shouting distance of just being obese, rather than morbidly so. I've lost inches and over four and a half stone. But it was almost five stone last week so I can't help but feel disappointed, which is daft. I can fit into clothes that wouldn't go near me six months ago and I bought a cardigan coat from Monsoon in a size 20 rather than a size 22 - both fitted and the 20 was a touch snug but I figure that I'm going to carry on losing weight so it will prove a better buy in the long run. I might go and try on a dress I haven't been able to wear for over two years and see if it will fasten. If it does, I'll be good and have an apple. if not, I might give in and order pizza. I almost hope it doesn't, greedy cow that I am!

Hungry like the wolf

I'm starving. I've eaten two reasonable meals today (50g Special K and skimmed milk for brekkie and tomato soup and a roll for lunch) but I could eat a horse. A whole stable full in fact. I'm sure I had horse meat on a school holiday to France when I was 11 and, as far as I remember, it wasn't that bad. A bit like pork. Not as bony as goat - mmm, Jamaican curry goat - and distinctly edible. But then again, anything seems good to me when I'm this famished. I need to go out for a walk to earn some exercise calories so I can have a snack or two but it's spitting so I'm being a wuss and waiting for it to stop.

Actually, I could probably have a snack even without the exercise but I'm becoming a bit of a control freak and almost enjoying the self-discipline it takes to lose weight. I try to wait until I'm falling over with hunger before I let myself eat something - it's quite worrying. But if I eat before I'm really hungry, I'll be hungry again sooner and run out of calories. I'm very rarely full these days although I managed it on Friday night after steak, chips and spinach and two lagers. Made a nice change from the constant emptiness that occupies the space food used to. I swear that when I feel bloated and my tummy's sticking out (even more than normal that is!) it's because of the air inside me, puffing me out like a balloon.

But it's worth it as I've lost 7.5lb this week. If my scales are telling me the truth that is. They said Jim had lost 3lb this week so they might be having a mental. But I've worked hard enough to deserve a good loss. I've done more walking and been Mrs Strict of Strictville when it comes to my food. No cheating at all for the first time in ages. No secret oatmeal and raisin cookies that don't make it into my food diary. No extra 25g of grapes or piece of toast and pate. Everything I've eaten and drank has been dutifully recorded and I came in a couple of hundred calories under for the week. But they were exercise calories and you can get away with only eating half your exercise calories if you've got a lot of weight to lose. Or so the WLR sages have it. I'm trying to eat slightly less than the full 100% to prepare me for losing yet more calories and having to eat them all further down the line. If that makes any sense - not sure it does!

I might be losing weight through not eating if my wisdom tooth keep bothering me. It's bleeding and oozing pus (sorry, TMI!) so I've booked my first dentist appointment for four years on Tuesday. I used to go every six months until we couldn't find an NHS dentist and I refused to go private, especially as my teeth were okay. But I've found an NHS dentist at the end of the road so I was planning to go for a check up anyway; now it's just a bit more urgent. I hope I don't have to have it out but, if I do, I hope they can fit me in before I start work. Not that I know when that will be as they're still checking me out. I hope it's soon as we're getting broke again and I'm bored out of my tiny mind. Bored and hungry is not a good combination when you've a) got a fridge full of food and b) have a number of delis and a Sainsbury's within a few minutes' walk, all filled with bread and cake and ice cream. And that's not counting the temptation of the dreaded Domino's.

I think I need a banana.

30% is the new black

As part of my weight loss "journey" (pretentious, moi?) I've made a list of mini targets to break up the 199lb into smaller goals and today I crossed off another one. I lost 4.75lb this week so I'm over 30% of the way to target - another 4.5lb and I'll be a third of the way there. If I can lose that by the 3rd March, I'll have done it in six months which is ahead of target. I know the remaining two-thirds won't come off as quickly as this so it's good that I'm ahead of myself in case the weight loss slows. I really hope I can get to halfway there by 13th August, which will give me a full year until my sister's wedding to lose the second half. But I'm loathe to set myself date-related targets as you're setting yourself up for failure and bodies aren't machines that'll lose weight at a consistent rate as I've found out over the last few weeks.

My calories have dropped to 1596 a day so I'm going to try to do at least a 45-minute walk each day for the extra calories. I know 1596 probably seems like a hell of a lot to those people on 1100 a day - the minimum WLR lets you go down to, but it's 300 less than I started on five and a half months ago. I'm going to try eating just half of my exercise calories as I don't really need the full 235 that a walk will give me and gradually eat a higher percentage as my calorie allowance drops. At least I'll be walking to and from work soon - when they finally do their checks and give me a start date - so that'll be an hour a day, maybe a little more. The way there isn't too bad as it's downhill but coming home will be tough as the first part of the journey is up a street called Christmas Steps which, as it's name suggests is, well, steps! Two sets, in fact, with a steep slope in between. And then another hill follows that so it's hard work for a fat, unfit lass like me. But I'm determined to do it rather than get the bus home as it'll be good for me. Remind me of that when I have a heart attack halfway up!

I'm trying to think of good portable diet-friendly lunches to take to work. I hope there's a microwave so I can do soup and maybe the odd jacket potato. I'm not a big fan of sandwiches, unless they're made on the spot so I might try some variations on pasta and couscous salads. Bill Granger has a recipe for a puy lentil salad with feta in one of his books so I might give that a go and add some lean chicken for protein. I think I'll be doing a lot of things with roast vegetables.

Worker bee

That's what I'll be in a few weeks' time. I didn't get the TV job - they liked me, blah, blah but felt that me being older than the assistant producer would be problematic, the ageist buggers! But I got the office job so I'll be an Administrative Officer for the Ministry of Justice shortly, providing my "pre-employment checks" go through okay. I assume my references will be decent enough and I'm not a serial killer but I do have a chequered health background and have had to leave a job because of my depression. But that was over two years ago and I'm a lot better now so it should be alright. I had to fill in a medical form so they might check with my doctor but I go to an open practice and rarely see the same doctor so they won't know me from Adam.

But, touch wood, they should formally offer me the job soon and I hope I can start by the beginning of March. It'll be so good to be out of the house and speaking to people again. And the money, while not great, is better than Jobseeker's Allowance and we might be able to have a life instead of watching every penny. Although I did go out and treat myself to a grande skinny vanilla latte this afternoon as a treat and have gone 9 calories over my daily allowance (after dinner thankfully, not before!). I've been really quite disciplined this week but have been getting very hungry and have suffered from headaches for the last couple of days. I think it's the shock of sticking to calories after a week of going 500 over every day. But it kick started my weight loss again so I'm glad I did it... and I got to eat like a piggy for seven days!

I hope my new workplace has a microwave so I can take in soup and the occasional ready meal. But if it doesn't, I'm only five minutes walk from M&S so can buy sandwiches if needs and finances permit. And I'll be earning nearly a couple of hundred calories a day from walking to work. Even more if I can brave the hill and walk home. I might have to if I want to have the occasional glass of wine or pudding. I really wanted to have the winter puddings (like summer puddings but with apple and plums as well as the blackberries and blackcurrants) I bought from Waitrose this evening but have run out of calories so will have to have them tomorrow as a little Valentines treat. I have to walk into town to sign on (hopefully for the last time depending on when I start) so I should be calorie-rich. Unless Jim gets some sparkling wine or something.

It's 13 years since we got engaged tomorrow so 14th February does mean something and isn't just commercialism to me. And yes, I was practically a child fiancee! When I phoned my mum to tell her we'd got engaged, she asked me if I was pregnant!!!! I think that tells you everything you need to know about my mother. I do miss being 18; I was thin then. University was the start of the slippery slope to fatness - too many portions of chips, giant sandwiches and pints of cider and huge portions of pasta with cheese and bacon as a regular meal. Or my favourite lunch of two toasted bagels filed with red pesto, salami and melted Cheddar cheese. Mmm, could just eat that now. I've just come back from Sainsbury's where I managed to resist the oatmeal and raisin cookies and wensleydale that were calling my name. Instead I bought some Berocca vitamins and two sugar-free jellies. How times have changed.

Back of the net!

Just a quickie today to make up for the essay I wrote yesterday. Things have finally started moving again and I've lost 4.25lb this week, which makes me very happy. This takes me over the 4 stone mark so I've ticked off another of my targets. Now if I can lose 2lb this week, I'll have less than 10 stone to lose which seems like a huge milestone. I think the biggest one will come when I'm finally under 20 stone. I know I'll still have 7 stone to lose but I'll be halfway to goal and seeing your weight in the teens is far better than seeing it in the twenties.

Had a lovely day yesterday at baby Ben's party but ate far too much. I tried to be good and had some crudites and dips but then said sod it and had some pizza, cocktail sausages and a slice of chocolate cake. At least I was driving so couldn't drink. Not that I felt like it after the dinner party on Friday! Am having a lazy day in front of the telly as it's Chelsea v Liverpool at 4pm and I can't face a walk (despite the glorious weather) as my achilles tendons are really sore. Might try and do some aerobics later if I feel up to it. Or I might leave it until tomorrow, lazy old bag that I am...

The Waiting Game

Sorry for the radio silence folks but I've been waiting for news about my job(s) before posting. And waiting. And waiting. And I still haven't heard so I thought I'd better post anyway so you know I'm still alive. I had my telly job interview 9 days ago and they said they would let me know by Monday. Monday came and went as did Tuesday and on Wednesday I plucked up the courage to call them. "We haven't decided yet" was the response. "We'll let you know as soon as we can". But they haven't so I'm stuck in job limbo. But I had another interview yesterday for an admin job at the county court and it seemed to go well so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for that. It won't be as exciting or well paid (comparatively) as the TV work but it's a steady job and I need the money and stability of a long contract. So we'll see. They said they'll let me know by mid-week or so, so I'll post as soon as I find out.

I need a job even more than ever as I did a foolish thing yesterday. I was in the centre of town after my interview and, fuelled by a triple shot grande skinny latte, I decided to check out Debenhams beauty hall. I've been coveting a new skincare regime for ages as I still get blemishes and my skin is quite oily so I was pottering around the Estee Lauder counter sniffing moisturisers and the sales lady nabbed me. She was very knowledgeable and lovely and sat me down to discuss my skincare "needs". Everything seemed so nice that I bought seven - count 'em - products and spent £200!!!!!!! Luckily, I have a very kind and patient husband who didn't kill me but we don't really have the money to be spending a sum like that on fripperies and treats. But I've done it now and they're sitting proudly on my bathroom shelf, all shiny and new. Let's hope they work.

I'm a little hungover this morning as we went out to a friend's for dinner last night and had rather a lot to drink. And eat. The diet isn't going enormously well at the moment as I put on 1.75lb last week and was too ashamed to post. I know it's some kind of weird plateau but I've lost the plot a bit and eaten far too much this week. Although that could help as I read that eating maintenance calories for a week then going back to the diet kick starts your weight loss again. I haven't weighed myself this week but I have a sneaky feeling I've gained gain. But I'm going to be strict from tomorrow and hope that I start losing again as I'm getting a bit disheartened. I can't start today as we're off to Swindon for our nephew's first birthday party and some cake might find its way into my mouth!

I'm even considering Lighterlife (any tips, Mrs L?) or the Cambridge Diet if I don't see a loss soon. I'll keep plugging away at calorie counting for a while yet but I'm worried that I've stopped losing weight this way and I'll have to try something more extreme. Plus, it would be good to see some big losses in the first couple of weeks to inspire me and make me stick to a food-free diet. And I'd probably lose the weight faster on a VLCD. Hmm, I'm almost talking myself into giving it a go. But I'm not at desperation point yet and I do like my food too much. I just need to go cold turkey on treats and up the exercise next week and be patient (not my strong point). I'll post my weight tomorrow and blog a bit more to keep me on track.

Right, I have a banging headache (naughty wine!) and need to go to Boots for some heavy duty painkillers. I may even have to get a can of fat coke to wash them down. But I'll draw the line at a fried breakfast!

Static

I weighed in a day late this week as, very childishly, I didn't like what the scales said yesterday and hoped they'd be kinder this morning. They were slightly but I'm still the same weight as last week. At least I haven't put any weight on which is good as I gave in and had a pizza last week... on top of my lunch and dinner! I'm still feeling slightly out of control around food and have had to restrain myself from going to Sainsbury's to buy cake and cheese. And stopping at Starbucks for a latte and a muffin on the way home. i don't know what's the matter but I can't get motivated at the moment. Well, I kind of do know what's the matter. It's purely the fact that I haven't lost any weight for a couple of weeks. I rely on the boost from losing weight to get me through the next seven days and that boost hasn't happened and I'm not waving but drowning.

I know that this is one of the inevitable plateaus I'll have in my weight loss journey but I really do miss the little tingle of pure joy I get from seeing a lower number on the scales. Even a pound would have done and normally I'd dismiss a pound loss as not worth mentioning, size queen that I am. But I'm static, stuck, stopped. I might try upping the exercise and seeing if that kick starts a loss. I managed another 10 minutes of the Rosemary Conley DVD the other day but kept slipping on my overly long trousers. So I've bought some "dance joggers" from the ever-reliable M&S in a fetching shade of grey (no, I mean it!) which are just the right length for shimmying around the sitting room to "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer. Now I just need a sports bra or, at the very least, a bra that fits properly as when i lift my arms over my head, my bra rides up at the front and my boobs pop out from underneath. It's nearly as bad as the time my tankini bottoms were pushed down by the force of my jumps at aqua aerobics!

But I've had some good news today. I've got a job interview on Thursday at 12:15 so any good vibes which can be sent my way at that time would be most appreciated. I know everybody wants the jobs they're interviewed for but I really need this job a) for the money as we are truly skint and b) for the human contact. I'm so sick of the silence that surrounds me day after day in my solitary existence. I speak to Jim in the morning but then he goes to work and I'm stuck at home on my own (well, with Frank but miaowing doesn't really cut it as conversation) and I don't speak to anyone all day (unless I call my parents and i can't do that at the moment as they're on holiday). I sometimes go to shops just to have some human contact and end up spending money we don't have. So a job with proper people and something to do other than obsess over food would be a godsend. And I could walk to work as it's only in Clifton village which is just over a mile away. Oh please pretty please let me get it!!

Fatness and fitness

I am so unfit. Even more so than I thought. I bought the new Rosemary Conley DVD - the one with Coleen Nolan - and have just attempted to do it. I got my weights out and dug out the exercise mat from behind the bedroom door, ready for my half an hour of fat-burning and half an hour of toning. I managed the warm up and 10 minutes of the aerobics before huffing and puffing my way to the sofa, dabbing the sweat from my lobster-red face!! Not the result I was hoping for. Now I've cooled down a bit I think I could probably have managed another 10 minutes and didn't push myself as far as I could but I was knackered. I'm not giving up though; I'm aiming for the warm up and 20 minutes tomorrow, maybe with a bit of toning or the cool down too.

At least I don't need the extra calories yet. I'm on 1631 a day and it's manageable with no exercise. But it's going to keep coming down so I need to incorporate exercise into my daily routine sooner rather than later. Maybe when I actually need the calories, I'll be able to manage the full DVD. I bloomin' hope so! I want an exercise bike too. Once I get a job I might cough up the money so I have a choice of activities to do. Between walking, cycling and aerobics, I should have the variety to keep me interested and the means to earn a few hundred calories a day. Or I could just join the gym then I can do indoor walking for when it's horrid weather, cycling, swimming AND aerobics. I'll have to get a lot fitter before subjecting myself to a class with other people yet though. I'd die after 10 minutes and be a laughing stock. So, do I spend £114 on a bike or £50 a month at the gym? Hmmm.

I did manage a 45 minute walk today so my exercise attempts haven't all been hopeless. I did get absolutely soaked though and had to put my trousers on the radiator and my socks in the wash when I got home. I even had to dry my hair despite wearing a hood as the rain was horizontal at times. Apparently today is Black Monday or Blue Monday or some other colour of Monday as it's the most depressing day of the year. Dreadful weather, a Christmas overspend, not being paid for January yet, no holidays in sight - I can understand that. But I feel surprisingly chipper. Must be the exercise endorphins. All two of them! I'm going to send my CV to a couple of employment agencies and keep my fingers crossed that I get a job soon. Then I can buy the bike or join the gym. And have my hair cut. My fringe is so long, I resemble Highland cattle. It's not the look I was going for. But it's the one I'm stuck with until the pennies start coming in. I want a job within walking distance ideally, then I get some exercise in walking to and from the office. But not too far on a wintry day. About 20 minutes would be ideal.

I had a bit of a blowout yesterday. Not only did we have a fried brunch - bacon, sausages, eggs and tomatoes - but I was feeling grumpy and hungry due to my headache so I made Jim go and buy me cake. I ate two cream cakes and could have eaten more. Then I opened a bottle of red wine to put some in the pasta sauce and we drank the rest of the bottle then had three beers. No wonder I put on weight this week, with that level of self control. But I'm back on the straight and narrow and trying to make up the 900 calories I went over by yesterday. At the rate I'm going with the DVD, I might claw the calories back by March!

Ouch! In more ways than one...

Very quick update today as I have a stinky headache. Have put on 0.75lb this week, which is better than the 2.25lb it was earlier in the week but still a bit grump-making as I haven't been THAT naughty. I suppose my body could be adjusting after losing 11lb in the past two weeks but I still hate gaining. Hopefully I'll lose something this week to get me to that 4 stone mark. Will post tomorrow after many painkillers. Mwah!

Oh dear!

I've just had pizza for lunch. Not just any pizza either. Domino's aka the lardiest thing you can imagine. Half Pepperoni Passion and half Full House - at least I only ordered a small! I'm in a fat/miserable/rebellious mood today and didn't want to be good and have my soup for lunch and decided, as it was raining and the five-minute walk to the supermarket was just too taxing, I'd order in a slab of naughty. But boy was it good! I hope it doesn't rekindle my nascent interest in takeaway pizza and that I can move away from the craving with my dignity and weight intact. Not that my weight is anything to shout about. I'm not updating it as today isn't the official weigh-in but I'm 2.25lb up on last week. I've been a little naughty - the pizza, fish and chips and some toast and butter last night - but not enough to have actually gained weight. Or so I thought. Perhaps my body is adjusting to having lost 7lb last week? I don't know. All I know is, when I stepped on the scales this morning, I was heavier. And I feel fat. Obviously I know that I am still morbidly obese but I've been feeling thinner. Until today.

And I've been having a grumpy week all round. The whole job thing has got me down and I've been a bit weepy and glum. And it's been raining all week so I haven't had a chance to go for any walks so I've been cooped up in the house with only my beloved Frank for company (and he's not the world's most talkative cat). I want the new Rosemary Conley workout DVD with Coleen Nolan but Jim said I have to wait until he gets paid as we have no money for extras so I felt even more guilty about being out of work. I'm going to go to some temp agencies on Monday to try and get a temp job to pay the bills for a while. It's not ideal but we need the money and I have to get out of the house before I go completely spare. I hope I get something local that's reasonably well-paid (for temping anyway) working with nice people. I'll probably get a dull data entry job in the back of beyond in a company staffed by Nazis, knowing my luck. Ooh, I'm having my own little pity party today, aren't I?!

On the upside, I fitted into my boots. And, for the first time ever, Jim didn't have to help me do them up. Even when I first bought them, he had to hold the two sides together while I zipped them up and the last time I wore them, he actually cut himself on the zip as they were so tight. So I have to buy some Veet or shave my legs as they're a bit Gorillas in the Mist at the mo. I also tried on some size 22 trousers (admittedly elasticated) that have never really fitted me and they fit easily and the Etam jeans are almost there. And some tops that were either too tight or rode up too much because of the size of my chest now look quite good. Well, as good as they can look on a fatso. And if I carry on eating pizza they'll soon be too small again. I'm going to be good again from tomorrow in the hope that I can end this mini blip. In the meantime, I might just eat some grapes without weighing them. Now that's bad behaviour!!

Quarter pounder

No, not a McDonald's burger (although that would be nice); I've now lost a quarter of the pounds I need to lose to get to goal. Over a quarter actually as 49.75lb is a quarter (of the 199 I had to lose) and I've now lost 55.5lb thanks to losing an impressive 7lb this week. And I've done it in just over four months, rather than the six months I'd anticipated. This gives me a bit more leeway for a slowdown later on which seems inevitable so I'm a happy camper. I measured myself too and since September I've lost four inches from both my chest and hips and seven inches from my waist. It's so nice to see the numbers going down. And my jeans getting looser (yes, even the size 28s I got for Christmas are slightly baggy round the tum). I might try the Etam size 24s on again as they might be close to fitting me soon.

It's a good job I've got the Etam 24s (which I think are a big size) as Marks and Spencer, in their infinite wisdom, has stopped having a Plus section in their stores. You can apparently get sizes 26 to 30 online but I looked and a) they have no jeans (so the size 26 I'll need next will have to come from Evans or I'll have to skip a size to the 24s and hold the 28s up with a belt until I get there) and b) all the stuff is hideous. There is one upside; they're starting to have more of their regular ranges in a size 24. But I'm probably only going to be in a 24 for a matter of months until I drop to a 22, and eventually to a 16, so it's not really worth me spending money on clothes. I'll try to stay in my 28s for as long as I can - unless they start looking "tenty" - and a lot of my dresses are in a 22 anyway so will fit me for a good while yet. I need to try my two pairs of Duo boots on to see if they'll comfortably zip round my calves yet so I can wear my dresses with boots instead of over trousers. Duo are so lovely and I'll probably have to buy from them even when I'm a size 16 as my calves are far too big for high street boots. Not that it's a hardship but they are quite expensive. And I'm quite broke.

We went to Cribbs Causeway for a window shopping trip earlier and, thankfully, there wasn't much that I liked apart from a £55 long black cardigan in Monsoon which I might have to buy when I get a job. I'm looking forward to being able to buy anything from Monsoon and not just the stuff in a size 22. Not that I can fit into a 22 yet, unless it's capacious knitwear like my dark green cardigan coat or my elasticated black trousers from M&S. Well, the ones I haven't worn out between the legs from the affliction "fat girl's thigh". There's nothing more painful than the chafing of sweaty thighs together when you're wearing a skirt so I bought some fat girl pants from QVC which do the trick. It was either them or cycling shorts and most sports shops don't cater for the larger lady. They look at you strangely enough when you buy trainers as though all fat people are housebound and have no need of shoes. I mean it's not like I can run a marathon but I need comfy shoes to walk in. And walk I shall. As long as it doesn't rain. So I'll be starting in May then...!

It's raining, man!!

It's peeing down here in Bristol. I know that's hardly news since it's the first week in January but I'm a bit peeved. Today was my big "I'm going to start exercising" day and my planned walk has been scuppered by the weather. For the moment anyway. It does look as though it's clearing up a bit so I might go out in a little while once my Amazon order has arrived. I'm awaiting Dietgirl's fab new book which I've already read in proof form (and it's ace!) but wanted to get in real form so I can see all the additional photos and any new bits. And hopefully Shauna might be on some kind of percentage scheme so it might give her 2p or something. I've no idea how publishing works but I've always wanted to write a book. Of course it would help if I could actually write! I did start a novel while my depression was in full flow but we were burgled and my laptop was stolen and it wasn't backed up anywhere. I think, in hindsight, it was a blessing.

I'm having a full-on career crisis at the moment due to my lack of work and prospects. Do I really want to stay in TV? Will I ever get a job in the industry again even if I want one? I'm fed up of last-minute short-term contracts and never knowing where the rent money is coming from. I love the work and think I'm quite good at it but it's not the most ubiquitous or stable industry and there aren't that many jobs to go round unless you live in London. The BBC here is making people redundant left, right and centre so they aren't recruiting and nobody else seems to be either. Mind you, it's not the only area where there's a dearth of opportunities. I was thinking of moving into academic administration but there's not much going at the university at the moment and it looks as though I might have to get any old office monkey job to pay the bills. It's not something I want to do long term but, then again, what is? Should I retrain as a teacher? It's a good, steady, honest job and you get great holidays. But history teachers aren't exactly in short supply and it would mean living on a pittance for a year. And there's no guarantee that we'll even be in Brizzle in September as Jim's job is only for a year. I might just get any job and think seriously about my "career" when Jim gets a permanent position and I know we'll be living in the same area for more than 12 months.

Ooh, that was a bit soul searchy and serious, wasn't it? I think I'm having a mid-life crisis at 31. But I have made progress in one area today. I didn't weigh myself!!! I stepped away from the scales and feel some kind of calm because of it. Plus, I miss the surprise/terror element of not having a clue if I'd lost any weight until my official weigh-in day. Sunday mornings became less of an occasion when I weighed every day but now they'll retake their rightful importance and I'll get up with a slight butterfly feeling in my tummy like I used to. Although that could just be hunger. I was really hankering after a fry up yesterday - bacon, sausage, fried egg, black pudding, tomatoes, toast, the full monty - followed by a couple of croissants with raspberry jam. Well over 1000 calories of pure bliss. But I didn't succumb to the fry up monsters. I had my porridge and patted myself on the back for being a good girl. In the past I would have sent Jim to the supermarket - being too lazy to go myself - and stuffed my face until I felt sick. We regularly used to have a couple of bacon and fried egg sandwiches for weekend breakfast followed by a couple of cinnamon danishes - each!

But, while part of me misses such gloriously fattening and unhealthy food, I'm never going to go back to eating like that. I can't if I want to live. I was watching The Diet Doctors yesterday and they had a woman on who was 21 stone and they described her as "a heart attack waiting to happen". And that's me. However better I feel for having lost 3 and a bit stones, I'm still morbidly obese and can't congratulate myself too much or feel smug just yet. I've got a long way to go until my health isn't in jeopardy from my weight and, while I believe I can get there, I know the journey won't always be as smooth as the last four months. I'm not saying it's been easy but the weight has continued to come off and I'm worried that this won't always be the case. I hope it will, as I'm going to stick to my calories and start to exercise, but I doubt I'll be losing at this rate in a year or so. I'd love to hit my target in time for my sister's wedding in July 2009 and, if I continue to lose 2lb a week, I will. But I can't help thinking that it won't work out like that. And here today's novel ends!

Magnificent Obsession

No, not the fantastic Douglas Sirk film with Jane Wyman going blind and Rock Hudson training as a surgeon to restore her sight - my obsession with weighing myself. It's getting ridiculous; I eve weighed myself three times the other day, not to see if I'd lost any more weight, but because my body has been playing silly buggers and going haywire again. I've lost and put on 12 pounds this week and finally come in officially at a 4lb loss for the week. Which I'm very happy with considering the massive amount I ate and drank on New Year's Eve. Going to the pub at 3pm and necking seven pints was not a good start! So when I weighed myself on 2nd January, I'd unsurprisingly put on 1.5lb. Which means I've lost 5.5lb since Wednesday but only 4lb since last Sunday. I really have to start only weighing myself once a week as previously promised. Jim said he's going to hide the scales to stop me jumping on every morning. It might be for the best!

I managed to go for a lovely hour-long walk to Clifton Village this afternoon and really enjoyed myself so I'm going to try and go for a walk every day this week, weather permitting. It helps that there are nice shops to look in when I get there but I need to take more exercise as I'm woefully unfit. I walk very slowly and still get out of breath going up a hill. But I'm going to aim for an hour a day at least five days a week if not every day. And I'm not even doing it for the extra calories as I don't really need to eat them yet. I've gone down to 1661 a day but that's absolutely doable and I'm not desperate for the extra 230 the walk gives me. But I will be soon. I don't reckon I could eat less than about 1400 calories a day, if not 1500 so I need to build up an exercise habit for when my calories drop that low so I can still eat a goodly amount of food and not feel as though I'm about to die of hunger. I know WLR won't let me drop below 1100 a day but that means that I'll have to be earning 300-400 calories a day through exercise by then. Which is manageable while I'm unemployed but I have no idea how I'll manage when I get a job. It'll just have to be.

I'm watching an episode of Jamie at Home on More4 about tomatoes and it's making me want to eat a lot more of them. Ideally with a large lump of buffalo mozzarella and some basil and olive oil. I'm going to try expanding my culinary repertoire this week as I have so many recipe books that I read but never cook from. So I'm aiming to make one new dish a week. This week is Pork, Chorizo and Spinach Paella from Tamasin's Kitchen Bible which i got for Christmas. But I'm going to go through my cookery books while I'm at home and mark the pages that I want to cook from. The English Onion Soup from the new Jamie Oliver book might be next but the cheesy toasts on the top look a bit lardy. But delicious! Jim's in the mood for stews so a carbonnade or beef bourguignon is also on the cards. Or maybe a coq au vin. Although after New Years Eve I'm trying to lay of the booze. I drank an astonishing 113 units of alcohol in December despite not drinking most days and trying to be restrained over Christmas. I'm still not quite sure how. Jamie's just done a sausage and tomato bake-type-thing which was, quite frankly, porn. God, I love food!